Baltimore Bag Of S**t Chris Davis Is On Pace For The Worst Season Ever

Chris Davis

by Tommy Gimler

Imagine going into work at the Hostess plant, but instead of standing on the line and making sure each Ding Dong is filled with the correct amount of creamy deliciousness, you spend the majority of each day in a meth-induced coma while trapped inside the Zingers girl’s locker.

Or imagine your wife walking out of the bedroom wearing the sexiest collection of lace offered at Frederick’s of Hollywood these days, and instead of taking her to pound town, you walk outside and hump your Prius. Or imagine somebody is going to pay you $5 million for a simple 7-minute dick sucking, and when the time comes to do the job, the dude starts the timer and you jam your tongue up his ass.

Now you know the hell the Baltimore Orioles are currently living in courtesy of first baseman Chris Davis.

Davis is being paid more than $21 million by the Orioles to hit the baseball over the fence this year, but it’s safe to say at this point, if he can find a way to hit it out of the infield, the Orioles will take it. Simply put, the Orioles are giving this guy more than $130,000 a game to hit the ball, and he just can’t do it.

We’re firm believers of all sports contracts being incentive-based, and you’ll be hard-pressed to find a better “Exhibit A” than Chris Davis. On top of his pig shit awful -2.0 WAR that is a MLB-worst, his .157 batting average is by far the worst of any player with enough at-bats to qualify for the batting title in all of baseball.In the American League alone, the next closest bag of shit to Davis is Joey Gallo. He’s hitting a full 31 points higher than Davis, but at least he’s come through with 21 home runs, 48 RBI and of course, three stolen bases. As for Davis, he has only gone yard nine times this year and driven in 28.

Here’s what he’s on pace for if the Orioles keep trotting him out to first base on a regular basis: .157 average, .230 OBP, .280 slugging percentage, .510 OPS, 16 home runs, 51 RBI and 193 strikeouts. In other words, Chris Davis is on pace to have the worst season ever for a Major League hitter.

Think about that. They began playing baseball the same year America turned 100 years old, and Davis is on pace to have a worse season than anybody who has ever played the game and qualified for the batting title. Worse than Jose Hernandez. Worse than Yuniesky Betancourt. Worse than Steve Balboni. Worse than Ruben Rivera. And of course, worse than Tony Suck.

Since 1900, no player who qualified for the batting title has ever hit below .179. At this pace, Davis would destroy that mark by 22 points. In fact, Davis is so pathetic at the plate this year, The Wall Street Journal ran a story on him, and they write so few sports stories that they were forced to file it under their “Life and Arts” section.

We like to think that nobody celebrates futility as much as we do, but thanks to Chris Davis, Orioles fans have one hell of an opportunity to supersede us this year…

NOTE: I wrote this story over the weekend. At the time, Davis had 7 home runs and 25 RBI while hitting just .153. Of course, we jinxed his futility and he has since gone 2 for 7 with two home runs. Still, the numbers above – despite being adjusted for his recent “hot streak” – show that he still blows.

Wait there’s more: It Didn’t Take Long For Grayson Allen To Show The NBA He’s Still A Giant F**ktard

You have got to see this shit:

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description