Kudos To This Hockey Player Who Crapped Out A 25-Inch Tapeworm And Then FaceTimed His Mom

carson meyer

by Tommy Gimler

We have finally found something worse than a “four or five Doritos Locos Tacos” shit.

Odds are you probably best recognize the name Carson Meyer from the line, “Who in the hell is Carson Meyer?” Well, it turns out Carson Meyer has a pretty bright future in front of him, as he was drafted by the Columbus Blue Jackets, which you may or may not know is a real team in the NHL.

So Meyer is obviously a stud on the ice, but the 20-year-old had a pretty fucked up 2017-18 campaign at Miami-Ohio. Now, we’re not talking about only scoring five goals all year because he was busy consoling three random girls through abortion classes after knocking all three of them up at an Alpha Epsilon Pi party that two student bloggers labeled “Most Bitchin’ Bash of the Year.”

No, we’re talking about a season full of psychiatrists, other doctors and at least one opposing team’s coach asking Meyer’s teammates if he had cancer only to find out later that his uncomfortable season was the result of…wait for it…a 25-inch tapeworm that he didn’t know was inside of him until he pooped it out.

No, seriously. From The Athletic:

“I was going to the bathroom, just like normal,” Meyer said. “And it came out. It was a 25-inch tapeworm — the head, the neck and all of the segments, about 50 of them. It was orange.” Meyer almost fainted.

“I FaceTimed my mom and was like, ‘What the hell is this thing?’” Meyer said. “I was freaking out. Absolutely freaking out.”

Yeah, I’d say that any instance in which you call or FaceTime your mom to show her the contents of your shit would be safe to call a “freakout.” The 25-inch tapeworm had been in Meyer’s body for the better part of a year, so the fact that he was still drafted by the Blue Jackets should tell you just how good Meyer can be when he doesn’t have a two-foot worm swimming through his intestines.

And we totally get the whole calling your mom thing went something goes awry in college. Hell, I had a girl accidentally knee me in the grapes and jam one of my rocks up into my abdomen during an extremely heavy petting sesh, and the first person I called to find out if I was going to be OK was my mom. It’s unknown how Meyer’s mom reacted after her son showed her an image of his shit, but in my case of getting a nut jammed inside of me, my mom just laughed and told me to tell things like that to my father – and only my father – in the future.

In a related story, Carson Meyer’s mom is fucking hot…

Wait, there’s more: The 3 Best Things I Missed In While I Was Overseas In Ireland Last Week

You have got to see this shit:

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