Cleveland Vs. Golden State (Oakland): A Closer, More Disgusting Look

2016 NBA Finals - Game Four

by Tommy Gimler

Because the NBA blows, the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Golden State Warriors will be meeting in the NBA Finals for the fourth consecutive year.

Since we obviously don’t give two shits about the rigged product on the hardwood, let’s take a closer, more disgusting look at the two cities the Cavaliers and Warriors “represent.”

You’re almost twice as likely to be murdered in Cleveland than you are in Oakland.

Wow. LeBron and whoever else is on the Cavs these days might be thinking upset, but even if they do find a way to win the series, it won’t be as big of an upset as Cleveland murdering Oakland in this category. I mean, have you ever been to Oakland? Surprisingly, only 17.1 people per every 100,000 get clipped in Oakland compared to 33.7 per 100,000 in Cleveland. But hey, it could always be worse. Fans of these teams could be living in St. Louis…

Still, Neighborhood Scout says Oakland is a more dangerous place to call home.

On a scale of 1 to 100, with 100 being the safest city in America and 1 being pretty much hell on Earth or in a relationship with a Kardashian, Oakland was given a 1. You have a 1 in 69 (haha) chance of being the victim of a violent crime in Oakland. In fact, 0.66 per 1,000 of us will be raped upon setting foot within city limits.

But don’t start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, Cleveland. You were given a score of 2. That’s due in large part to the fact that 1 in 61 of us will be the victim of a violent crime, a worse rate than Oakland. Thankfully, only 1 of 19 of us will be the victim of a property crime in Cleveland compared to 1 of 17 in Oakland…

You’re more likely to get syphilis in Oakland than in Cleveland.

But just barely, kids. 9.7 per 100,000 people in Oakland are sporting a disease that likely would have killed you on the Oregon Trail. In Cleveland, that rate is 9.6 per 100,000. In both cities, it’s safe to say that you should be wrapping it the fuck up…

You’re more likely to be unemployed in Cleveland than in Oakland.

Stay in school, kids. The national unemployment rate is 4.1 percent, and surprisingly, Oakland comes in beneath that at 3.7 percent. Maybe it’s because everybody keeps moving there to play basketball.

In Cleveland, it’s pretty ugly, but not as ugly as what their professional football team has been trotting out to the field the last 20 years. Cleveland has an unemployment rate of 6 percent at the moment, which means it might be time to get that asbestos plant back up and running…

You’re more likely to be fat as all hell in Cleveland than in Oakland.

That’s weird. I thought heroin addicts were skinny.

It’s this simple, gang. Men’s Journal says 40.9 percent of Cleveland’s population is overweight, making it the third-fattest city on their list. Meanwhile, Oakland is considered to be their fourth-fittest city in America. Perhaps it’s time they actually set foot there to see why we strongly disagree with that assessment…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s Andrew Luck Looking Absolutely Yoked At The Indy 500

You have got to see this shit:

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description