Let’s See How Many Picks Mel Kiper Gets Wrong Again At This Year’s NFL Draft

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by Tommy Gimler

Whoa. By the looks of things, it appears as though Kiper had no trouble finding the Golden Corral off Interstate 20.

It’s a tradition unlike any other. That’s right, kids. We’re talking about watching Mel Kiper make a complete ass out of himself at the NFL Draft.

If you thought meteorologists like Vince Condella sucked balls at predicting what’s going happen, wait until tonight’s first round gets underway and Kiper’s incorrect picks begin piling up faster than innocent black men in a Ferguson jail cell. Seriously, Kiper is so pig shit awful year in and year out at calling this thing that it’s time to call “The Bobs” into Bristol to ask him one question and one question only:

So here we go. It’s the only reason why we pay for an ESPN Insider subscription. You know, so we can see Mel Kiper’s final mock draft and then mock the shit out of him when he’s almost as wrong as two cousins humping in church. We’d probably tell you to drink a beer for every incorrect pick that comes across the ticker tonight, but to be honest, we don’t want to see you die.

1. Cleveland Browns

Kiper says: Baker Mayfield – QB, Oklahoma

Actual pick: Baker Mayfield – QB, Oklahoma

24 hours ago, Kiper had Wyoming’s Josh Allen pegged as the next quarterback to fail in a Browns jersey. That changed this morning when it was discovered that Allen was kind of racist when he was 14 years old. Good thing Kiper changed his pick to Mayfield, as getting the first overall pick wrong would have probably warranted a pink slip from Mickey Mouse or whoever is running the show at Disney these days…

2. New York Giants

Kiper says: Saquon Barkley – RB, Penn State

Actual pick: Saquon Barkley – RB, Penn State

Do you believe in miracles? Great news for Kiper, as 365 days of digging through NFL GMs’ garbage appears to be paying off. Maybe the fact that he went a tad lighter on the hair gel this year is also paying dividends. The dome isn’t looking as bulletproof this year, so maybe that’s allowing more knowledge than usual to sneak in there…

3. New York Jets

Kiper says: Sam Darnold – QB, USC

Actual pick: Sam Darnold – QB, USC

Wow. I guess Kiper is sick of being known as the biggest shitdick in the business. I mean, 3 for 3? The last time that happened, I was -3 years old. Must be a contract year for him…

4. Cleveland Browns

Kiper says: Bradley Chubb – DE, NC State

Actual pick: Denzel Ward – CB, Ohio State

And there it is!!!! 365 days of doing nothing but eating Chick-fil-A and watching the SEC Network has proved to be a gigantic waste of time. Kiper’s “top five” is already almost as busted as Iggy Pop’s face, and with Chubb still on the board, it’s about to get nuts…

5. Denver Broncos

Kiper says: Josh Allen – QB, Wyoming

Actual pick: Bradley Chubb – DE, NC State

The Broncos just dropped $25 million guaranteed on Case Keenum to sling the pigskin the next two seasons, so Kiper decided to go with a…oh wait…he still went quarterback. That’s a shame…

6. Indianapolis Colts

Kiper says: Roquan Smith – LB, Georgia

Actual pick: Quenton Nelson – G, Notre Dame

Kiper said that Smith would be an impact defender for new coach Frank Reich, and if Chubb fell, this could be the spot for him. The Colts went with an offensive lineman. Samsonite. I was way off…

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Kiper says: Derwin James – S, Florida State

Actual pick: Vita Vea – DT, Washington

Kiper actually had a chance to not look like a sack of fuck for the first time in over an hour, as James was still available despite the Bucs trading down to #12. Still, it seems as though Kiper is about as locked in as Jason Heyward right now…

8. Chicago Bears

Kiper says: Quenton Nelson – G, Notre Dame

Actual pick: Roquan Smith – LB, Georgia

To be fair, Quenton Nelson wasn’t on the board when the Bears made their pick. But to be really fair, Kiper said he would be. Chalk it up as another dick in the ass for everybody who paid to be an ESPN Insider and get that “accurate” inside info from Kiper…

9. San Francisco 49ers

Kiper says: Denzel Ward – CB, Ohio State

Actual pick: Mike McGlinchey – OL, Notre Dame

Kiper said that Smith would have been a great fit for San Francisco at number nine just like Ward. It’s funny. The 49ers were so concerned about shoring up their defense that they took an offensive lineman out of Notre Dame. Great call, Mel…

10. Oakland Raiders

Kiper says: Mike McGlinchey – OL, Notre Dame

Actual pick: Kolton Miller – OL, UCLA at #15 via trade with Arizona

We’re already running out of things to say about Kiper making incorrect picks, and we’re not even at the halfway point of the draft…

11. Miami Dolphins

Kiper says: Tremaine Edmunds – LB, Virginia Tech

Actual pick: Minkah Fitzpatrick – DB, Alabama

Funny. Edmunds was still available at #11 like Kiper said he would be, yet the Dolphins shopped elsewhere like the majority of teams seem to do. If you’re keeping score at home, Kiper has hit on 3 of 11 picks so far. 3 of fucking 11. If he was a baseball player, he’d be hitting .273. So, that pretty much makes him the Tommy La Stella of NFL Draft pundits…

12. Buffalo Bills

Kiper says: Josh Rosen – QB, UCLA

Actual pick: Josh Allen – QB, Wyoming at #7 via trade with Tampa Bay

We’ll pull the sword out of Kiper’s peehole on this one, as he did call the Bills taking a QB. In a related story, Suzy Kolber just said that Allen was going coast to coast even though neither Wyoming nor Buffalo borders an ocean…

13. Washington Redskins

Kiper says: Vita Vea – DT, Washington

Actual pick: Da’Ron Payne – DT, Alabama

Kiper has been so bad the last 79 minutes, that we almost have to give him a 1/2 point for the Skins still taking a DT despite the fact that Vea was off the board. Still, we’re not going to do that because he’s making six figures to be…well…we’re not sure what he gets paid for…

14. Green Bay Packers

Kiper says: Minkah Fitzpatrick – DB, Alabama

Actual pick: Jaire Alexander – DB, Louisville at #18 via trade with Seattle

Man, I feel like we’re pistol-whipping a blind kid, so let’s come up with something nice here. Way to call the correct position, buddy…

15. Arizona Cardinals

Kiper says: Lamar Jackson – QB, Louisville

Actual pick: Josh Rosen – QB, UCLA at #10 via trade with Oakland

Again, we’ll take our foot off Kiper’s head and remove his grill from the curb, as at least he predicted the Cardinals were going to take a QB with their pick. Still, he was wrong…

16. Baltimore Ravens

Kiper says: Calvin Ridley – WR, Alabama

Actual pick: Hayden Hurst – TE, South Carolina at #25 via trade with Tennessee

Kiper actually had a chance to look like the “unquestioned draft guru” that the four-letter keeps touting him as during their commercial breaks. Ridley was still on the board at #25, but it turns out Kiper was once again just like buttfucking a puppy: wrong

17. Los Angeles Chargers

Kiper says: Da’Ron Payne – DT, Alabama

Actual pick: Derwin James – S, Florida State

Kiper had this guy off the board ten picks ago, which at this point should be surprising to nobody…

18. Seattle Seahawks

Kiper says: Marcus Davenport – LB, Texas-San Antonio

Actual pick: Rashaad Penny – RB, San Diego State

Kiper had Penny as this year’s draft’s sixth-best running back. The Seahawks thought he was the second-best. At this point, we’re obviously trusting their analysis over Kiper’s. In fact, I’m trusting my grandma’s analysis over his, and she’s been dead for 13 years…

19. Dallas Cowboys

Kiper says: Courtland Sutton – WR, SMU

Actual pick: Leighton Vader Esch – LB, Boise State

The most embarrassing part at this point of the draft is that we would have given him a correct pick for either of his top two receivers that he had on the board, but it turns out that he was about as close to making a correct pick here as I am to plowing Kate Upton tonight. And hey, I’m not even in the same city as she is…

20. Detroit Lions

Kiper says: Taven Bryan – DT, Florida

Actual pick: Frank Ragnow – C, Arkansas

Fun fact about Ragnow is that he was the only player on the Arkansas roster who had a bigger waistline than Bret Bielema. Another funny fact? You guessed it – Kiper didn’t have him going to Detroit…

21. Cincinnati Bengals

Kiper says: Frank Ragnow – C, Arkansas

Actual pick: Billy Price – C, Ohio State

The worst part about being labeled an “unquestioned draft guru” and putting your ass on the line by saying Frank Ragnow will be taken by the Bengals at #21? You guessed it – when Ragnow goes to the Lions one pick earlier so you know that you’re not going to be right here again

22. Buffalo Bills

Kiper says: Jaire Alexander – CB, Louisville

Actual pick: Tremaine Edmunds – LB, Virginia Tech at #16 via trade with Baltimore

It’s hard to jam a butter knife into Kiper’s peehole on this one since the Bills traded up to get Edmunds, yet it’s so easy since Kiper said the Bills were going to look to upgrade their secondary. Florida State’s James was still on the board here, yet they passed on him for a linebacker, which was once again not even close to being on Kiper’s radar. And let’s be honest, there should be plenty of room on that radar since nothing appears to be on it…

23. New England Patriots

Kiper says: Kolton Miller – OT, UCLA

Actual pick: Isaiah Wynn – OL, Georgia

Step into my office. Why? You’re fucking fired…

24. Carolina Panthers

Kiper says: D.J. Moore – WR, Maryland

Actual pick: D.J. Moore – WR, Maryland

Holy. Fucking. Shit. If Kiper is getting paid by each correct pick he has made up to this point, our guess is that he’s made somewhere between $90,0000 and $150,000 per pick. My racist grandpa used to say that the sun shines on the dog’s ass some days, and I guess that applies here…

25. Tennessee Titans

Kiper says: Harold Landry – LB, Boston College

Actual pick: Rashaan Evans – LB, Alabama at #22 via trade with Baltimore

A crazy thing happened with the Titans trading up to #22. They actually picked the guy Kiper said they would! Oh wait, no they didn’t. Noooo, they didn’t…

26. Atlanta Falcons

Kiper says: Will Hernandez – G, UTEP

Actual pick: Calvin Ridley – WR, Alabama

Kiper said that Hernandez was a perfect pick for the Falcons because it would ensure that Atlanta would once again have one of the best rushing attacks in all of football. The Falcons went with a wide receiver instead, a guy who Kiper said was going to be off the board over an hour ago…

27. New Orleans Saints

Kiper says: Hayden Hurst – TE, South Carolina

Actual pick: Marcus Davenport – LB, Texas-San Antonio at #14 via trade with Green Bay

Great call on that one, Mel. Maybe he overloaded his hair with gel or bacon grease this year, but all of it has seeped into whatever part of his brain that was still functioning. Not once did Kiper mention the Saints moving up in the draft for a defensive player. It was all about bringing in that tight end – perhaps even one from South Dakota State - to take them to the Super Bowl. Instead, Boner City for Kiper once again…

28. Pittsburgh Steelers

Kiper says: Rashaan Evans – LB, Alabama

Actual pick: Terrell Edmunds – S, Virginia Tech

Kiper said Edmunds was the 154th-best player in this year’s draft. Juuuuuust a bit outside, as he was off by a mere 126 picks…

29. Jacksonville Jaguars

Kiper says: Dallas Goedert – TE, South Dakota State

Actual pick: Taven Bryan – DT, Florida

How many times can you talk about somebody being wrong in one blog post? Actually, the answer is 25 so far…

30. Minnesota Vikings

Kiper says: James Daniels – OL, Iowa

Actual pick: Mike Hughes – CB, UCF

Kiper thought the Vikings were going to beef up their offensive line. Minnesota pretty much did the exact opposite and drafted a career criminal…

31. New England Patriots

Kiper says: Josh Jackson – CB, Iowa

Actual pick: Sony Michel – RB, Georgia

Bingo. No wait. No bingo. Carry on…

32. Philadelphia Eagles – pick traded to Baltimore

Kiper says: Sony Michel – RB, Georgia

Actual pick: Lamar Jackson – QB, Louisville

Kiper’s 2018 NFL Draft Record: 4-28 (12.5 percent correct)

Wait, there’s more: Did ABC 7′s Mike Shumann Really Steal A Jacket Belonging To Stephen Curry’s Bodyguard?

You have got to see this shit:

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