Breaking News: Clayton Kershaw Suspended 80 Games For PED Use

clayton kershaw

by Tommy Gimler

LA’s road back to the Fall Classic just got a lot tougher.

Stunning news out of Chavez Ravine Sunday morning, as numerous sources are reporting that pitcher Clayton Kershaw has tested positive for a banned substance and will be suspended 80 games as a result.

It’s unknown at this time whether the game’s best pitcher will appeal.

Several sources are reporting that Kershaw actually tested positive for a number of banned substances. One of them was reportedly melarsomine, a drug that is used to kill adult heartworms in dogs. He also tested positive for acetylpromazine, a drug that has been known to create “persistent erections without sexual excitement” or priapism in horses. The final drug, one in which he reportedly left a positive test result that was “off the charts,” was Benzoquinone. That’s likely the same drug former big league slugger Sammy Sosa has been using to turn himself into a Pepto-Bismol model.

Neither Kershaw nor the Dodgers would comment on the report, but Dodgers fans haven’t been as mum on the stunning news.

“I’ll be honest, when I heard the news that Clayton was going to be suspended for 80 games, my initial thought was, ‘Hey, I’d still fuck him,’” Alyssa Milano said.  “I mean, let’s be real here. I’ve humped Brad Penny, Barry Zito and Carl Pavano, so it’s pretty obvious that I’ll plow anybody wearing a baseball jersey.”

Former talk radio legend Larry King didn’t share quite the same sentiment as Milano.

“This is shocking,” King told The DUD this morning. “I mean, I went into the bathroom at 8 a.m. to take my 12th piss of the day, and I come back out to read this? Wow. Hold on, I have to go take another piss.”

Another report surfaced late Saturday night that Kershaw was seen finger-blasting Rich Hill’s wife against the passenger side of an Uber driver’s Toyota Prius parked outside of Tito’s Tacos following LA’s first victory of the season over the rival Giants, but Dodgers executives told us that they “weren’t as concerned” about that report.

More to come as this stunning story develops throughout the day…

Wait, there’s more: Look How Horny These Mets Fans Got After Their Team Won On Opening Day

You have got to see this shit:

 

NOTE: What you just read is what’s known in the biz as “satire.” If you don’t know what that means, do yourself a favor and look it up so you can walk around the rest of the day feeling like less of an idiot. Seriously, this was an April Fool’s Day joke. If you have made it this far without knowing that, then in all seriousness, go see a doctor tomorrow to get treated for what is likely a major case of retardation.

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