The Michigan Athletic Department’s Director Of Performance Had Quite The DUI Last Week

fergus

by Tommy Gimler

The author of “Game Changer” just had himself one game changer of a drunk driving episode.

Odds are you’ll best recognize the name Fergus Connolly from the phrase, “Who in the hell is Fergus Connolly?” Well, it turns out Connolly is not only an author but also the director of performance for the University of Michigan’s athletic department. According to Busted Coverage, Connolly is also the director of football operations.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter who he is or what he does. The only thing that matters here is that he just made the DUI Hall of Fame with a gutsy performance at…wait for it…11:50 a.m. last Monday morning. The crew at MLive got their hands on the police report, and hot damn, this makes all five of my aunt’s DUI arrests seem as harmless as jaywalking in Delafield.

Check out some of these alleged highlights:

• Fergus crashed his SUV; Tahoe missing a front tire
• The SUV might be a university vehicle
• Refused a breath test, denied he was drunk
• Shoeless, bloody feet, incoherent
• Found shoeless standing in a snowbank, leaning against a tree talking on his cellphone to a university cop
• No wallet or ID; had no idea where he’d come from
• Injuries to his arm, feet and stomach
• Told officers “Do not do this to me,” and “Fuck off”
• Resisted arrest multiple times, including at the station where he took an open hand swing at an officer
• Police took him to the hospital where he took another swing at a cop
• He was handcuffed to a bed, but sat up and grabbed security officer by the throat
• Fergus was put in restraints but bit a hospital worker; didn’t break the skin with the bite
• Made $255,000 in 2017

“Found shoeless standing in a snowbank.” Hahaha. How much did this clown have to drink? Hell, I finished the “century club” dozens of times in college, but I was never found standing shoeless in a snowbank afterward. Sure, maybe they found me in a puddle of my own piss next to a fat chick a few times, but hey, that’s not as bad as being found “shoeless in a snowbank” on a Monday morning.

In a related story, once again, how painful is it to see somebody pulling down that much coin get behind the wheel instead of using an app that will send an Asian kid driving a Prius to your location to pick you up and then drop you off at your destination for just a few bucks?

No word on what Connolly had to drink, but this has three cans of Four Loko and a bottle of Wild Turkey written all over it…

Wait, there’s more: Win $100 If You Fill Out The Best NCAA Tournament Bracket

You have got to see this shit:

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