Here Is Exactly How Every American League Team Will Finish In 2018

king felix

by Tommy Gimler

As long as King Felix’s arm doesn’t fall off in June, we think the Mariners might be something this year.

Studies have shown that 94 percent of people who read blogs have some kind of attention deficit disorder, so we’re previewing every American League team’s 2018 season in two sentences or less. Our apologies to the six or seven Tampa Bay Rays fans out there, as your team sucks balls once again.

AL East

1. Boston Red Sox

Alex Cora is the new manager in Boston, but even he won’t be able to do anything when sometime after the All-Star break, Dustin Pedroia runs out to second base and literally falls apart. Luckily for Red Sox fans, everybody else in the lineup will pick up the slack…

Vegas says: 92-70 – The DUD says: 95-67

2. New York Yankees

We were going to pick the Yankees to win the AL East, but then we noticed that even my grandma picked them to win the division this year, and she’s been dead for 13 years. Just to be different, we’re going to pick them to finish second despite the fact that Stanton and Judge will combine to hit 12,000 home runs…

Vegas says: 94.5 wins – The DUD says: 92-70

3. Baltimore Orioles

Just because the average age of somebody on Baltimore’s roster is 46, it doesn’t mean this team can’t be competitive this year. Don’t underestimate how players love to play for Buck Showalter even though he’s had a gigantic bug jammed up his ass since the Bush administration…

Vegas says: 72.5 wins – The DUD says: 82-80

4. Toronto Blue Jays

One thing we like about the Blue Jays is that even they are done with Jose Bautista’s shitdickery. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins – The DUD says: 78-84

5. Tampa Bay Rays

We’re pretty sure the thugs in Vegas were smoking the same shit that killed Whitney Houston the day they come up with a win total of 77.5 for the Rays. Mark my word, if the Rays win 78 or more games, I’ll donate 12 bucks to whatever charity Kevin Kiermaier is repping these days…

Vegas says: 77.5 wins – The DUD says: 70-92

AL Central

1. Cleveland Indians

The best pitching staff and lineup in the division as well as the sexiest manager when he takes his shirt off all reside in Cleveland. Keep an eye out for Francisco Lindor to crack the top ten on the list of guys who can plow my sister…

Vegas says: 94.5 wins – The DUD says: 92-70

2. Minnesota Twins

The good news for Twins fans is that Major League Baseball came to the conclusion that Miguel Sano did not sexually abuse a former team photographer. The bad news is that Miguel Sano looks like he’s 800 pounds this spring…

Vegas says: 83.5 wins – The DUD says: 86-76

3. Chicago White Sox

If this was the year 2020, White Sox fans could expect to see their beloved team in the postseason. But it’s only 2018, so that means South Siders are just going to have to take their medicine and pay to watch a team that Pope Francis called “pure pig shit” in his sermon last week…

Vegas says: 68-94 – The DUD says: 77-85

4. Kansas City Royals

The good news for Royals fans is that manager Ned Yost fell out of a tree during the offseason. The bad news? You guessed it – he’s expected to make a full recovery…

Vegas says: 71.5 wins – The DUD says: 70-92

5. Detroit Tigers

Ron Gardenhire takes over as manager of the Tigers this year, so we’ll finally be able to tell who’s older, Gardenhire or Miguel Cabrera…

Vegas says: 68.5 wins – The DUD says: 64-98

AL West

1. Houston Astros

Houston’s win total is higher than Snoop Dogg on a Tuesday morning, and that’s because the addition of Gerrit Cole makes them one of the most prolific teams in recent history. It’s that high for a reason, kids, so be sure to throw your kid’s community college fund on the over…

Vegas says: 97.5 wins – The DUD says: 104-58

2. Seattle Mariners

We might be crazier than Corey Feldman, but we think the Mariners are really going to compete this year. Sure, Ichiro is 600 years old and Felix Hernandez’s arm might fall off mid-pitch, but we like the makeup of this team almost as much as we like jerking off at the Hampton Inn on Wednesdays…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins – The DUD says 87-75

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or some shit

There better be some Angels in the motherfucking outfield this year to keep those balls from leaving the yard. If not, this team is going to be the same thing as their pitching staff: totally dicked.

Vegas says: 84.5 wins – The DUD says: 83-79

4. Oakland A’s

High crime and syphilis have been trying to rid Oakland of the Athletics for the last ten years, but they just can’t seem to find a new home. In a related story, Billy Beane has been trying to rid his team of talent for the last 20 years, yet they usually somehow find a way to stay competitive into September…

Vegas says: 74.5 wins – The DUD says: 76-86

5. Texas Rangers

This team was so much better when Ron Washington was snorting lines of booger sugar off the owner’s wife’s tits in random luxury suites around the stadium…

Vegas says: 75.5 – The DUD says: 74-88

Wait, there’s more: Every National League Team’s 2018 Preview In Two Sentences Or Less

You have got to see this shit:

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