Every National League Team’s 2018 Preview In Two Sentences Or Less

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by Tommy Gimler

Bad news for Pirates and Padres fans, as your teams blow.

But unlike the Marlins, at least those teams have fans.

The 2018 MLB season is 36 hours away from first pitch, so we need to get our heads out of our asses and take a peek at what’s about to go down. Here’s how we see the next six months playing out for every National League team, and because everybody has some form of an attention disorder these days, we’re going to do each team in two sentences or less.

NL East

1. Washington Nationals

The Nationals will once again lead the league in number of starting pitchers with heterochromia, but is this the year Bryce Harper and company get all of the sand out of their vaginas before the calendar hits October and real baseball begins?

Vegas says: 92.5 wins – The DUD says: 91-71 (1st)

2. New York Mets

Baseball fans across the country are about to find out just how pig shit awful of a manager Terry Collins was. Throw in the fact that Matt Harvey is in a contract year with former Tribe pitching coach Mickey Callaway at the helm, and this team winning over 81.5 games sounds fucking delicious…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins – The DUD says: 87-75 (2nd)

3. Philadelphia Phillies

The team is still one year away from seriously competing, but this Rhys Hoskins guy is well on his way to joining the list of the top ten guys who can plow my sister…

Vegas says: 75.5 wins – The DUD says: 80-82

4. Atlanta Braves

Just when you thought rooting against the Atlanta Braves couldn’t possibly get any easier, they give future stud Ronald Acuna a #MeToo moment by shipping him to AAA despite hitting .432 with 4 HRs and 11 RBI in the spring just so they can recall him in April and screw him out of one year of Major League service…

Vegas says: 74.5 wins – The DUD says: 72-90

5. Miami Marlins

Who’s pulling Derek Jeter’s strings in Miami, Rachel Phelps? This team is fucking garbage…

Vegas says: 64.5 wins – The DUD says: 13-149

NL Central

1. Chicago Cubs

The best pitching staff, lineup and manager in the NL Central are all on the North Side, so picking them to win the division is easier than getting a knob job from Alyssa Milano after you show her your baseball card…

Vegas says: 93.5 wins – The DUD says: 101-61

2. St. Louis Cardinals

The Cardinals have won more with less than any other club in baseball, and it’s something that really chaps my ass as a Brewers fan. The additions of Mike Maddux as the pitching coach and Marcell Ozuna in left field could be key for another Cardinals team that otherwise lacks quite a bit in the talent department…

Vegas says: 86.6 wins – The DUD says: 88-74

3. Milwaukee Brewers

I’m not joking when I say that I yanked my crank twice the day I found out the Brew Crew traded for Christian Yelich. The only thing that prevented me from doing it two more times, however, was one look at their pitching staff…

Vegas says: 84.5 wins – The DUD says: 82-80

4. Cincinnati Reds

Be sure to bring your glove and a bag to hold all of the baseballs you’re going to catch in the left field bleachers every time Homer Bailey takes the mound…

Vegas says: 73.5 wins – The DUD says: 74-88

5. Pittsburgh Pirates

B.J. Surhoff’s nephew is the starting third baseman, so I guess you can put that in your pipe and smoke it…

Vegas says: 73.5 wins – The DUD says: 69-93

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers

The thugs in Vegas think this Dodgers team is going to win 96.5 games despite the fact that Justin Turner is hurt and Alex Wood is their #2? There’s a reason why they all live in high-rises on the Las Vegas Strip, and you’re still rubbing your grandma’s bunions so she’ll let you live on her couch for free…

Vegas says: 96.5 wins – The DUD says: 97-65

2. Arizona Diamondbacks

Word is that Arizona is going to use a humidor to keep the baseball from flying over the wall so much, and that means Dbacks fans will have to settle for 430-foot home runs from Paul Goldschmidt instead of the usual 450-foot jobs…

Vegas says: 85.5 wins – The DUD says: 84-78

3. San Francisco Giants

Fantasy nerds who won their fake baseball leagues in 2013 will take one look at this new lineup with Longoria, McCutchen, Pence and Posey and then cream their shorts…

Vegas says: 81.5 wins – The DUD says: 83-79

4. Colorado Rockies

Everybody in the Rockies lineup has the ability to go yard more than 20 times this year. It’s just that every pitcher in the starting rotation has the ability to give up 40 home runs…

Vegas says: 82-80 – The DUD says: 83-79

5. San Diego Padres

The people of San Diego have to look in the mirror and ask themselves what they want to do this summer, go surfing and check out some Southern California beauties in bikinis catching rays or come to Petco Park and watch Eric Hosmer hit .283. Really tough choice…

Vegas says: 69.5 wins – The DUD says: 60-102

Wait, there’s more: Hawaiian Idiot Chasing After A Baseball Gets Stuck Between Two Walls

You have got to see this shit:

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