16 Fun Facts For Every NCAA Tournament Game On Thursday

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by Tommy Gimler

Taco Bell has their own arena in Boise? Mr. Potato Head’s PR team really dropped the ball on that one.

The madness of March kicks off as early as 9:15 a.m. Thursday morning for all of us hippies on the West Coast, which means that the majority of us won’t be awake to see just how overrated Matt Barnes’s illegitimate kid Trae Young is when he and his Oklahoma teammates take the hardwood against Rhode Island. Also, this will mark the first time this year any of us here at the DUD watch truTV.

Here’s one thing to ponder for in each of Thursday’s 16 NCAA Tournament games:

#7 Rhode Island vs. #10 Oklahoma – 12:15 p.m. Eastern/9:15 a.m. Pacific on CBS

The only national championship in Rhode Island Rams history came courtesy of the 1941 men’s cross country team, who defeated those dirty pirate hookers from Penn State by 27 points…

Line: Rhode Island (-2)  Our pick: Oklahoma to win and cover

#14 Wright State vs. #3 Tennessee – 12:40 p.m. Eastern/9:40 a.m. Pacific on truTV

Wright State University is located in Dayton, Ohio, a city that Neighborhood Scout said had a crime index of 3. While on the surface that might sound good, it actually sucks, as it means that 97 percent of the other cities in America are safer. You’re more than twice as likely to get raped and three times as likely to get robbed in Dayton than in the rest of America. Roll ‘em up…

Line: Tennessee (-12)  Our pick: Tennessee to win and cover

#13 UNC Greensboro vs. #4 Gonzaga – 1:30 p.m. Eastern/10:30 a.m. Pacific on TNT

Things could get ugly early at Taco Bell arena in Boise, especially if you can actually buy Taco Bell inside the arena. I mean, unless there’s a crapper for each one of the 12,644 people inside, it’s going to be more chaotic than the end of Porky’s

Line: Gonzaga (-12.5)  Our pick: Gonzaga to win, UNCG to cover

#16 Pennsylvania vs. #1 Kansas – 2 p.m. Eastern/11 a.m. Pacific on TBS

Of the 68 teams that made this year’s tourney, only four of them are worse at the free-throw line than the Quakers. Shooting just 66.6 percent from the charity stripe is just something you don’t expect to see from the smart kids…

Line: Kansas (-13.5)  Our pick: Kansas to win and cover

#15 Iona vs. #2 Duke – 2:45 p.m. Eastern/11:45 a.m. Pacific on CBS

Fuck this game, as Duke was given yet another cupcake while the #1 seed in the region, Kansas, was given the hardest #16 in tourney history. So, more on the Kanas game. Dr. James Naismith was the first head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks. He might have invented the game of basketball, but he couldn’t coach it for shit, as his 55-60 lifetime record at Kansas makes him the only coach in Jayhawks history with a losing record…

Line: Duke (-20.5)  Our pick: Duke to win, Iona to cover

#11 Loyola-Chicago vs. #6 Miami – 3:10 p.m. Eastern/12:10 p.m. Pacific on truTV

89-year-old comedian and actor Bob Newhart attended Loyola University Chicago, and we’d bet good money that if Miami alum Warren Sapp saw him, he’d push him down a flight of stairs. You see, kids, that’s because Warren Sapp is an asshole…

Line: Miami (-2)  Our pick: Loyola-Chicago to win and cover

#12 South Dakota State vs. #5. Ohio State – 4 p.m. Eastern/1 p.m. Pacific on TNT

Ohio State’s sports teams are known as the Buckeyes, while South Dakota State’s sports teams are known as the Jackrabbits. Fun fact about Jackrabbits, they are the Ben Stiller of the hare species, with ears that can grow up to six inches long…

Line: Ohio State (-7.5)  Our pick: Ohio State to win and cover

#9 NC State vs. #8 Seton Hall – 4:30 p.m. Eastern/1:30 p.m Pacific on TBS

The cost for one semester for a full-time student at Seton Hall is $19,200, which by our calculations is roughly $19,200 too much to go to school in Jersey…

Line: Seton Hall (-2.5)  Our pick: NC State to win and cover

#1 Villanova vs. #16 Radford – 6:50 p.m Eastern/3:50 p.m. Pacific on TNT

Radford University is the best, man. You don’t have to wait for the third date to hit a home run with the majority of girls on that campus. It’s more like just having to wait until the third house party you see them at. Only winners attend that school. Trust me…

Line: Villanova (-23.5)  Our pick: Villanova to win and cover

#12 Davidson vs. #5 Kentucky – 7:10 p.m. Eastern/4:10 p.m. Pacific on CBS

Steph Curry isn’t the only famous alum of Davidson College. President Woodrow Wilson also got his higher learning on there, but since the Federal Reserve was created on his watch, well, fuck him…

Line: Kentucky (-5.5)  Our pick: Kentucky to win, Davidson to cover

#11 San Diego State vs. #6 Houston – 7:20 p.m. Eastern/4:20 p.m. Pacific on TBS

Houston is giving up less than 65 points per game, and San Diego State is giving up less than 68 points per game. That means if you love low-scoring women’s basketball games, this might be the game for you today…

Line: Houston (-4)  Our pick: Houston to win, San Diego State to cover

#14 Stephen F. Austin vs. #3 Texas Tech – 7:27 p.m. Eastern/4:27 Pacific on truTV

Believe it or not, the “F” in Stephen F. Austin stands for fellatio. No, wait. Check that. It stands for Fuller, which is what a man’s penis becomes during fellatio, so you can see how one could easily be confused…

Line: Texas Tech (-11) Our pick: Stephen F. Austin to win and cover

#9 Alabama vs. #8 Virginia Tech – 9:20 p.m. Eastern/6:20 p.m. Pacific on TNT

Only one team in the field of 68 has committed more turnovers than Alabama, and only two teams have a worse three-point percentage. So yeah, we’ll take whoever they’re playing and double up that bet…

Line: Virginia Tech (-2)  Our pick: Virginia Tech to win and cover

#13 Buffalo vs. Arizona – 9:40 p.m. Eastern/6:40 p.m. Pacific on CBS

More than 102 inches of snow have buried the city of Buffalo this winter, which means the chances of us living in Buffalo in the near future is somewhere between zero and no fucking way. Thanks to the Bills Mafia, though, it was another strong year for dildo sales in that town. So they’ve got that going for them, which is nice…

Line: Arizona (-8.5)  Our pick: Arizona win, Buffalo to cover

#14 Montana vs. #3 Michigan – 9:50 p.m. Eastern/6:50 p.m. Pacific on TBS

The director of performance for the University of Michigan athletic department had himself a DUI for the ages last Monday morning at…wait for it…11:50 a.m. Police said they found him standing next to his wrecked Tahoe “shoeless in a snowbank.” He couldn’t afford an Uber, though, because he only makes a c-hair more than $250K each year…

Line: Michigan (-11)  Our pick: Michigan to win, Montana to cover

#11 St. Bonaventure vs. #6 Florida – 9:57 p.m. Eastern/6:57 Pacific on truTV

The University of Florida’s sports teams are known as the Gators. From 2007 to 2015, only two people in Florida were killed during an actual Gator attack. Over that same time span, you were just as likely to get shot by Aaron Hernandez…

Line: Florida (-5.5)  Our pick: Florida to win and cover

Wait, there’s more: Win $100 If You Fill Out The Best NCAA Tournament Bracket

You have got to see this shit:

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