The Cleveland Browns Are So Pig Shit Awful They Literally Killed A Guy

paul stark browns obituary

by Tommy Gimler

DeShone Kizer and company killed a ton of parlays this season, and now, it appears as though their play on the field killed at least one human being.

There was a giant bundle of stories to choose from to kick off the new year. That Georgia-Oklahoma Rose Bowl induced millions of boners, the Bills made the postseason for the first time since She’s All That graced the big screen, the Packers gave Mike McCarthy an extension, and of course, the Baltimore Ravens. Hahaha. The Ravens.

But we’re going with the one about Paul Stark. Now odds are you best recognize the name Paul Stark from the question, “Who in the hell is Paul Stark?” Well, it turns out Stark spent the majority of his years on this planet rooting for the Cleveland Browns, a decision that finally killed him on December 27.

From the Sandusky Register:

Paul Stark passed away Dec. 27, 2017, of complications from a brief illness, exacerbated by the hopeless condition of the Cleveland Browns, at Stein Hospice, Sandusky.

A proud native of Mansfield, Ohio, he lived for more than 30 years in Columbus, Ohio, where he and his wife, Susan, raised their family. He spent his later and happiest years in his adopted home town of Huron. A graduate of Mansfield High School, Paul remained a lifelong Tygers’ fan. His amazing work ethic and natural mathematical gifts led him to a career as a surveyor, spending most of his career with Kokosing Construction Co.

Paul was a devoted and loyal husband, father, grandfather, friend, coworker and neighbor. He is survived by his beloved wife of 52 years, Susan; children, John (Dana) Stark of Sunbury, Ohio, Tom (Tammy) Stark of Loganville, Ga. and Molly Stark of Westerville, Ohio; grandchildren, Tyler, Cole, Shadrach, Jada, and Magdalena; a brother, Jim (Sandra) Stark of Rome, Ga; a sister, Mary (Jerry) Wharton of Florida; and several nieces and nephews.

He was preceded in death by his parents, Robert & Jacquelyn (Hamlin) Stark.

Paul passed just before the Browns were prepared to turn the corner, but had many well-earned blessings. Paul believed in paying it forward, and the goodwill he leaves behind will endure long after he’s gone.

Paul requested no funeral service, but a celebration of his life will be held at a later date to be determined.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to The Friendly House of Mansfield, 380 N. Mulberry St., Mansfield, OH 44902; Stein Hospice Services, 1200 Sycamore Line, Sandusky, OH 44870; or to Victory Kitchen 1613 Hayes Ave, Sandusky, OH 44870.

Foster Funeral Home & Crematory, Huron, is handling the arrangements. Condolences may be shared at

Thankfully, Stark did himself a solid and kicked the bucket before having to witness the Browns become just the second NFL team ever to finish a season 0-16 and then announce that their head coach would be returning for another pig shit awful year of football, but sadly, he passed away before any of us could enjoy a beer with him. I mean, anybody with an obituary like that must have been a fucking riot. RIP, good sir…

Wait, there’s more: DUD Best Of The Year: Video Of Kicker Nick Folk Sucking Balls

You have got to see this shit:

What do you think? Leave a comment or subscribe to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Image Description