These 5 Bowl Games Can Eat My Ass

empty bowl games

by Tommy Gimler

Let’s go, boys. Dozens of people are waiting to watch you play.

If you have watched any of the bowl games the four-letter has thrown your way up to this point, it’s been a bigger waste of time than going to church. Hey, it’s obviously not working, gang.

Sadly, the crew at ESPN still has plenty of pig shit awful college football games left on their slate between now and the end of the year, so you’ll be doing yourself a great service if you find yourself doing something like jamming a screwdriver up your peehole or pretty much anything else instead of watching these five bowl games.

Quick Lane Bowl – Duke vs. Northern Illinois on December 26th at 5:15 p.m. Eastern

If you’re like me, you probably had to google Quick Lane to find out just what in the hell it was, and it turns out that it’s not an express hooker service but Jiffy Lube’s bitch sister instead. I mean, if this is the game they’re sponsoring, then I’ll shop elsewhere. The bottom line here is that nobody set aside time to watch Duke and Northern Illinois games during the regular season, so why in the hell would you do it now?

Cactus Bowl – Kansas State vs. UCLA on December 26th at 9 p.m. Eastern

Will Josh Rosen play in this one? More importantly, will anybody give a shit? UCLA football hasn’t mattered since A Flock of Seagulls was considered a headliner. And speaking of not mattering, there’s Kansas State anything…

Arizona Bowl – New Mexico State vs. Utah State on December 29th at 5:30 p.m. Eastern

You know your bowl games sucks major dick when not one fucking sponsor wants to attach their name to your game. Not even Geico or Papa John’s wanted a piece of this shitshow, and they tattoo their names over everything. I seriously once saw a Geico banner at a midget wrestling event. I mean, let’s be honest – If you’re on your couch on December 29 at 5:30 p.m. Eastern watching New Mexico State take on Utah State, you’re a goddamn loser…

TaxSlayer Bowl – Louisville vs. Mississippi State on December 30th at 12 p.m. Eastern

TaxSlayer, hey? What was the cost to sponsor this one, 12 bucks? I’m going to be honest, if you want me to use your service come tax season, give me something more than this shit. Every time Lamar Jackson plays in an ESPN-featured game, he winds up being pure dog shit. Mississippi State’s head coach wanted out of this game so bad that he jumped ship, and we don’t blame him. We’ll also be anywhere else instead of in front of the tube watching this one…

Orange Bowl – Wisconsin vs. Miami on December 30th at 8 p.m. Eastern

If you’re into 9-6 football games featuring two quarterbacks who throw the ball like a goddamn pansy, then this is the game for you. I’ll be fucking my wife instead…

Wait, there’s more: Daryl Strawberry Said He Used To Hump Chicks Between Innings

You have got to see this shit:

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