New Year’s Is Perfect Time To Make Bookie Your Bitch With These NFL and CFP Bets


by Rakesh the Intern

Let’s bring bookie’s wife into your bed with these rock-solid American football picks, bro.


UCF vs. Auburn – Peach Bowl – OVER 67.5 Points

Check it out, bro. This Scott Frost at UCF has come back to coach bowl game because he wants to finish what he started or some shit. They will probably score about 38 point in this one because their offense is more potent that Cousin Deepak, and that dude has something like 17 kids and he’s only 28 years old. Problem is that their defense could give up 80 points to this Auburn team. Safest bet is taking lot of point in this one, bro…

Georgia vs. Oklahoma – Rose Bowl – Oklahoma +3

Seriously, bro. This line has move from pick ‘em to -3 for Georgia, and this is despite the fact that their quarterback is a freshman who will be too distracted by the Pasadena poon. Great poon there, bro. If there is one thing I have learned through the years in this silly game of American football, it’s that you bet against American public because they are dumber than box of shit. There is reason why thugs in Vegas live in high-rise casinos and mansions and you live with your mother, bro…

Clemson vs. Alabama – Sugar Bowl – UNDER 47.5 Points

I’ll tell you, bro. I think some of the hits in this one will be harder than college freshman at sorority house. Points will be at premium, and we’ll be lucky if one team score 20 in this one. Load and lock up on the under here, bro…


Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts (-5.5)

Let me tell you something, bro. These two teams have sucked balls all year long, and in the case of Colts, they have been so pig shit awful that coach will be doing his thing for them for last time before getting the shit can or whatever you call it in this country. I could see Colts winning this one by thousand point, bro…

Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings UNDER 38.5 Points

Listen, bro. This one is easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro. Vikings pretty much have first-round bye and #2 seed in NFC all locked up. That means starters who matter and know how to catch ball will be playing Candy Crush on sidelines or some shit while waiting for final seconds to tick off clock. On the other side of the ball is Chicago Bears, and they are pure goat shit, bro. Might not even get 10 point in this one. Load and lock up on under in this one, bro…

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams UNDER 44 Points

Check it out, bro. The last time these two teams hook up, they combine for something like 90 points, and that’s when 49ers had shit from pig quarterback Brian Hoyer in charge. Now they have this dreamy Jim Garroppolo slinging pigskin, and that number is only 44 total points for both teams? Take the fuck and get it out of here or whatever you say in this country. Something smell fishier in this one than Akansh’s poon. Load and lock up on the under in this one, bro…

New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Buccaneers OVER 49 Points

Look, bro. Bucs haven’t had 50 total point in one of their games in over a month, and under has hit in three straight Bucs games. Sooner or later, the opposite will happen. It remind me of Cousin Anagi in college. She would just keep getting humped by guys over and over again, and this one time, bro, she had something like 13 guys in her at one time. And she would keep doing this like nothing bad was ever going to happen. Well, a few weeks later, bro, her poon broke. Sad shit, bro…

Wait, there is more, bro: DUD Best Of The Year: The Dumbest Yet Most Entertaining Sport We Saw This Year

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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