DUD Best Of The Year: Roger Goodell Wipes Booger On Handicapped Girl’s Back

roger goodell booger

by Tommy Gimler

Since the majority of our readers are taking the rest of the week off and taking advantage of their Brazzers subscription, we’re absolutely mailing it in with this “DUD Best of the Year” series.

The following story originally ran on May 1, 2017:

For the first time since its inception, The DUD took a two-day hiatus while we all jammed into an RV and watched a bunch of pregnant 19-year-olds shake their fat asses to the likes of Dierks Bentley, Travis Tritt and believe it or not, Kiefer fucking Sutherland at the annual Stagecoach festival at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, CA over the weekend.

Since we were in the desert, we were all allotted six public nose-picking sessions without getting shit from any of the other guys, and let me tell you, they were all necessary. I mean, you’d wake up every morning and blow your nose into a tissue, and the mixture of dirt, blood and snot that came out each time looked just like some of Picasso’s finest work.

Of course, since we’re all gentlemen, after we did jam our fingers up our nostrils, whatever was left hanging off of them was quickly flicked to the ground, and then we just kept on listening to some of the finest cousin-fucking music this side of the Rockies.

But that’s not how NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell disposes of his boogers when he decides to dig for gold in public. Just how does Goodell get rid of his snot balls? You guessed it: He wipes them on the back of a one-legged girl:

Yup. Dude makes over $30 million a year, yet he can’t find total happiness unless he’s wiping his nasal mucus across the back of some one-legged crippled kid whose entire life has probably been more fucked up than Owen Wilson’s nose. I mean, she finally gets her one big moment to be on the stage at the NFL Draft, and she leaves with the Commish’s boogers on her best dress.

I’m pretty sure Good Charlotte or some other dog shit band with rich parents wrote a song about something like this back in the day, but imagine if security cameras at McDonald’s picked up you wiping your boogers across the back of the slow kid in charge of milkshakes. You’d be fired on the spot.

But in the case of Roger Goodell, it’s apparently his world and we’re all just living in it. Hell at this point, it appears as though this guy could get busted felching a rodeo clown in the meat section at Piggly Wiggly on Arbor Day and he’d still be fine…  

Wait, there’s more: These 5 Bowl Games Can Eat My Ass

You have got to see this shit:

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