Make Bookie Your Bitch Bigtime With These Can’t Miss College Football And NFL Picks, Bro

tcu oklahoma bets

by Rakesh the Intern

Christmas is right around corner and what better way to pay for your kid’s toys made by 8-year-old Chinese kid than by throwing nickel on these “sure thing” bets on the silly game of American football this weekend, bro.

In fact, my friend, you might make bookie such bitch this weekend that he might have to pay you with kidney. Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

NCAA

Texas Tech at Baylor OVER 68 Points

Let me tell you something, bro. There is one reason and one reason only to be watching this game, and that of course is if you have bet mad Rupee on this bitch. I think Texas Tech defense is more tired than hooker at end of month trying to pay for rent, and this Baylor offense will finally stop being big pile of goat shit. Over might hit by halftime. You’re welcome, bro…

Iowa at Wisconsin (-11.5)

Check it out, bro. If there is one thing that I have learned in this great country of America, it is that people in Florida have serious fucking problems. The other thing I learn is that you usually win when you bet against ignorant public. I’m telling you, bro. There is reason why thugs in Vegas have 40-story immaculate casino while you live with fat pig mother in trailer. It’s like Uncle Omkar used to say before he went to prison, if you bet with public, I’ll cut your dick off, bro. Well, you should get pecker cut off if you bet Iowa in this one, my friend, because 85 percent of public is betting them. That is why I think Wisconsin win by at least two touchdowns. Load and lock on Badgers, bro…

Michigan at Maryland UNDER 48 Points

Listen, bro. Betting under is about as much fun as eating breakfast next to Cousin Gokul and his baby left hand after he has gone three weeks without cutting nails on that thing. Sick shit, bro. But this time around, I don’t think Maryland scores point in this one, as Jim Harbaugh will probably tell his defense that if Terrapins score point on them, there will not be envelope of cash waiting for them in locker after the game today. Load and lock up on under in this one, bro…

Oklahoma at TCU Under 61.5 Points

Check it out, bro. There is more on the line in this one than night I lost my virginity to Howrah hooker. Yes, she smelled terrible, bro. And just let me tell you, my friend, if you take over in this one like 88 percent of stupid public bettors, then you are crazier than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

NFL

Pittsburgh (-10) at Indianapolis

Listen, bro. This one is easier than my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah. Do the math, boss. Pittsburgh is good team. Indianapolis is shit from pig. My math model shows Steelers winning this one by 200 point, bro…

New York Jets at Tampa Bay OVER 43.5 Points

Again, bro, if you are watching this one without throwing Rupee down, go see doctor because you have fucking problem. This is Ryan Fitzpatrick against Josh McCown, two quarterback playing against old team. Although, both men have played for pretty much every team in league, so I guess you could say that about them every week, bro. For my money, when I see McCown against Fitzpatrick, I think point total should be around 12 or 13 combined. So when I see 43.5 as point total, I say thugs in Vegas have fixed this one more than Hollywood girl’s purse dog. Load and lock on over in this one, bro…

New York Giants (-3) at San Fransisco

Look, bro. This might be worst football game ever played, so putting Rupee on it is a must. In the end, although I do enjoy this C.J. Beathard’s last name, but I think he gets outplayed by this Eli Manning, who press has been hammering like cheap hooker in Vegas this week. And by that, I obviously mean that Manning only throws two interceptions in this one, and that is considered good game for him these days, bro…

Wait, there’s more, bro: Ned Yost Falls Out Of Tree, Proves There Just Might Be A God

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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