The Kansas City Chiefs Are Still King Shit After Five Weeks Of Subpar NFL Action

travis kelce

by Tommy Gimler

First the Jaguars against the Ravens and then Jay Cutler against, well, anybody? Hey London. I hope you like shit.

Pretty much the exact opposite of the garbage the NFL keeps sending overseas is the Kansas City Chiefs, who at 5-0 should be atop every website’s power rankings this week. If they’re not, well, you need to stop going to that website.

Here are our power rankings after five weeks of lackluster football:

1. Kansas City Chiefs (5-0)

It took 13 seasons, but the training bra has apparently been taken off of Alex Smith. Show me somebody who said they drafted Smith to be their fantasy team’s starting QB this year, and I’ll show you a fucking liar. However, that’s exactly what he should be for fantasy nerds across the country now, as he’s averaging more than 278 yards and two tuddies per game while completing 76.6 percent of his passes…

2. Philadelphia Eagles (4-1)

It’s official: Carson Wentz is the leader of an offense that is more impressive than a Peter North cumshot, leading the NFC with damn near 400 total yards per game…

3. Green Bay Packers (4-1)

I wonder what Aaron Rodgers would charge for a cup of his semen. Not to drink, but my wife and I are trying to have a kid, and I feel like nobody offers more potential in that department than him. Well, unless of course you’re just looking for somebody with a potent seed, as nobody is better than Antonio Cromartie, pre or post vasectomy…

4. Carolina Panthers (4-1)

All of you who thought that the attention Cam Newton received after telling a racist female reporter that listening to her talk about routes was funny was going to affect his play on the field, well, you were right. It made him even better, dicks…

5. Denver Broncos (3-1)

Teams are averaging just a c-hair over 260 yards per game against this Broncos defense, and that total is probably going to decrease thanks to the fact that Eli Manning and company are coming to town this weekend. Oh, and for Sunday Night Football nonetheless. Looks like I’ll be spending my Sunday night doing pretty much anything else…

6. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)

I guess we can go ahead and put the Falcons at 4-1, as they are coming off a bye week and have the Dolphins coming to town, a team who is still going forward with Jay Cutler as their starting quarterback on purpose…

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2)

Quarterback Blake Bortles has a front row seat to watch a defense that is making opposing quarterbacks look like him. The Jags opportunistic defense is not only the driving force behind Jacksonville owning league’s highest point differential at +56, but they also have forced the most turnovers (15) and own the best turnover differential (+10), a feat that is even more amazing when you take into account that, once again, their quarterback is Blake Bortles…

8. New England Patriots (3-2)

“Tom Brady is taking sacks like never before” is a rather disturbing article title for both Patriots fans and Gisele…

9. Seattle Seahawks (3-2)

The Seahawks defense might be back, but Russell Wilson sure as shit isn’t. Seriously, the dude just hasn’t been the same since he started plowing Ciara, but to be fair, I don’t think I would be either. The only thing on my mind would be how soon I could jump back inside that hump hole, not on what it’s going to take to win the NFC West…

10. Buffalo Bills (3-2)

The Bills have a bye this week, but hospitals in the Buffalo area should still prepare for an influx of broken bones and STDs for the rest of October, as the Bills Mafia gets their time to shine with consecutive home games against the Bucs and Raiders on the horizon…

11. Minnesota Vikings (3-2)

Case Keenum has to feel pretty good about what transpired in Chicago Monday night, as for the first time in his NFL career, fans were actually begging for him to play…

12. Los Angeles Rams (3-2)

We were under the impression that Cooper Kupp was brought in to catch the ball this year, but then again, none of us ever played organized football after eighth grade. I mean, maybe dropping game-winning touchdowns is how they do things at the highest level of the game these days. We wouldn’t know…

13. Detroit Lions (3-2)

If you have a bookie who will accept a bet that the Lions will go over a month without winning a football game, you might want to place it. They get Cleveland at home on November 12, which is just over a month from now, and that that will likely be their next win, as they travel to New Orleans, get the Steelers at home and then travel to Green Bay before then…

14. Washington Redskins (2-2)

You have to think that Dan Snyder is a huge fan of all the attention the national anthem protests have received because it makes everybody briefly forget the fact that his team’s name is racist and he’s a giant douchebag…

15. Houston Texans (2-3)

Poor J.J. Watt. You’d think a guy who grew up drinking that much milk in Wisconsin would have damn near unbreakable bones…

16. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)

The Steelers are a bigger mess than my grandfather’s diapers. Antonio Brown is whining like a little bitch and molesting water jugs, Ben Roethlisberger is pouting like a little bitch and wondering if he still has the “it” that is apparently necessary to throw the ball to the right team and James Harrison is complaining like a little bitch on social media about a lack of playing time. Here we go!

17. New Orleans Saints (2-2)

The Adrian Peterson era in New Orleans is officially over, and it was almost as messy as Hope Solo’s hump hole. But hey, at least he didn’t beat any kids with a tree while he was there…

18. Oakland Raiders (2-3)

Derek Carr is getting ready to play professional football less than two weeks after…wait for it…breaking his back. That officially makes him the toughest guy in the NFL who wears eyeliner…

19. New York Jets (3-2)

“You know, this Josh McCown guy is actually pretty good,” said nobody ever…

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2)

In regards to Nick Folk, I guess nothing it sums it up quite like, “Oh my goodness. That guy blows.”

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21. Baltimore Ravens (3-2)

The Ravens put more points on the scoreboard against Oakland in four quarters last Sunday (30) than they did in their previous ten quarters combined (19)…

22. Tennessee Titans (2-3)

Hopefully somebody sits down with Matt Cassel someday and comes up with the exact day that he made his deal with the devil because this guy is fucking garbage. Eminem and I can think of at least one QB looking for work who gives the Titans a better chance to win than this fucking clown…

23. Dallas Cowboys (2-3)

The number one concern for Cowboys owner/GM/turd Jerry Jones following his team’s third loss in four games? Yup, you guessed it: The national anthem…

24. Arizona Cardinals (2-3)

Adrian Peterson is now an Arizona Cardinal, but don’t expect him to catch many passes from Carson Palmer because he’s not playing for the opposing team…

25. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3)

Even more surprising than the fact that the Bengals have managed to put together back-to-back wins is that none of their players have been arrested yet…

26. Indianapolis Colts (2-3)

The Colts have won two of their last three games, but let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet. Those two wins are against the Browns and 49ers, two teams who are a combined 0-10 this year…

27. San Diego Los Angeles Chargers (1-4)

The Chargers now have one win, which is the same number of Chargers fans expected to show up to their next “home” game…

28. Chicago Bears (1-4)

Great news for Bears fans, as their new starting quarterback only threw one interception during their MNF loss to the Vikings…

29. San Francisco 49ers (0-5)

If there is a god, please let the 0-9 49ers host the 0-8 Giants on November 12. And please let that be the first game to ever be broadcast live exclusively on Grindr…

30. Miami Dolphins (2-2)

Just how bad is Jay Cutler? Well, Jay Cutler is so atrocious that he turned the guy in charge of coming up with protection schemes for him into a major cokehead, you know, the kind of cokehead who does lines in an NFL facility, records himself doing so and then sends that video to a hooker, telling her that he wants to lick that snout candy off of her pussy…

31. Cleveland Browns (0-5)

Kevin Hogan, who you might best recognize from the phrase, “Who the fuck is Kevin Hogan?”, is now throwing passes for the winless Browns, making him the 28th different QB to start a game for Cleveland since 1999…

32. New York Giants (0-5)

Just a friendly reminder that the Giants haven’t won a football game since Odell and company went on that boat trip…

Wait, there’s more: Idiot Packers Fan In Florida Burns Himself When He Tries To Put On Flaming Cowboys Jersey

You have got to see this shit:

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