Week 1 Of College Football Is Probably Best Weekend To Make Bookie Your Bitch, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Time to rip off bookie’s cock and jam it down his sister’s throat with these “easy” college football picks, bro.

Last year was tough year for Rakesh, as I only hit at something like 47 percent of bets. That means coming up with money to eat simple combo meal at Box of Jacks or Jack in Box or whatever you call it in this country was real bitch.

I refuse to let same thing happen this time around, so this year I am using calculator and compass will making picks. Here is what I am thinking for Week One, bro:

Arkansas State at Nebraska UNDER 50 Points

Listen, bro. This one is a lot like what Uncle Vivek used to tell me when I was kid back in Howrah. He would say, “Hey, Rakesh. Don’t ever play with goat shit.” Well, my friend. I have learned to not only not play with goat shit but also bet against goat shit. Playing the part of pure goat shit this time around? You guessed it, bro: Arkansas State and Nebraska. Honestly, I didn’t even know Arkansas State still had team, bro…

Alabama at Florida State UNDER 50.5 Points

Let me tell you something, bro. There are two things that I have learned about Americans since I have moved to this great country. First, the women hear really have beautiful poons, my friend. Back in Howrah, if you can find your way through massive bush of pubic hair, you usually find something that look more like weathered baseball glove from World War 1 era instead of pussy. Sick shit, bro. The second thing I learn is that you never bet with silly American public. You bet against silly American public. So if 76 percent of them are taking the over, then I will put my Rupee on under, bro…

South Alabama at Ole Miss (-21.5)

Check it out, bro. I know right now that you are thinking Rakesh is crazier that Uncle Kunal, and we caught that guy fucking goat at family reunion. After all, head coach got fired after using university phone to call hooker for knob job. But I think these hillbillies will rally around fact that NCAA and media are calling them cheaters and shitty football team. I think offense might score 70 point in this one. Load and lock up on this Ole Miss team to cover spread, bro…

Wait, there’s more, bro: Ohio State’s Quarterbacks Coach Picked His Nose Last Night And I Mean He REALLY Went For It

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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