After 3 Weeks Of Subpar NFL Action, The Kansas City Chiefs Are Still The Best Team In The Game

alex smith chiefs

by Tommy Gimler

While the majority of NFL teams are delivering giant dick sandwiches to their fanbases, the Chiefs are looking like serious title contenders for the first time since the Nixon administration.

Nobody ever says that teams who are clicking on all cylinders in Week 3 are primed for a Super Bowl run, but as this picture clearly shows, Alex Smith looks like a man who’s either on a mission to prove all of his haters wrong or violating the league’s policy on controlled substances big time. I mean, it looks as though this cameraman captured the exact moment the cocaine overtook the Adderall.

Here’s a sentence or two to describe all 32 teams and where they stand after three weeks of action:

1. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)

Try trading Le’Veon Bell straight up for Kareem Hunt in your fake football league right now, and odds are Hunt owners are going to tell you to get dicked. Show me somebody who saw that coming, and I’ll show you a fucking liar…

2. Atlanta Falcons (3-0)

The Falcons are so good right now, they’re winning games that Matt Ryan is trying to lose. It also helps that the Detroit Lions keep getting fucked harder than Bridget the Midget, but hey, a win is a win…

3. Tennessee Titans (2-1)

The Titans have a serious shot at being 6-1 heading into their bye week thanks in large part to playing in the pig shit awful AFC South. With games against Houston, Miami, Indianapolis and Cleveland on the horizon, that Hawaiian fucker and company might have the division wrapped up by Halloween…

4. New England Patriots (2-1)

Let’s be honest: That defense sucks balls. When you’re letting Deshaun Watson sling the pigskin for more than 300 yards, you’ve got problems. Luckily for Pats fans, Tom Brady is a fucking god…

5. Green Bay Packers (2-1)

The most surprising thing about Green Bay? You guessed it: Director of Sports Medicine Administration Pepper Burruss has been with the team for 25 years now despite the fact that the Packers consistently have more injuries than any other team in the league. It would be like me literally shitting my pants every time I take the stage and still being welcomed back by the comedy club twice a week…

6. Minnesota Vikings (2-1)

The Vikings won a football game with Case Keenum at the helm. Yes, that Case Keenum. Sure, it helped that a flu bug was wreaking havoc amongst the Tampa Bay players, with at least one of them literally pooping himself on the field, but still, the rest of the team is apparently that good…

7. Buffalo Bills (2-1)

The Bills defense is like doubling up on a full-body condom, as teams are only scoring 12 points a game against them. And speaking of condoms, a new study shows that 99 percent of their fanbase isn’t using them…

8. Detroit Lions (2-1)

Think about it: The Lions were a c-hair away from being undefeated through three weeks. But then think about it again: They’re the Lions, so that’s nothing new…

9. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

The Eagles defense is only giving up 75 rushing yards per game, a stat that is even more shit-your-pants awesome when you take into consideration that they played against Kareem Hunt and the Chiefs in Week 2. And this guy Carson Wentz is on the verge of making the top ten on the list of guys who can plow my sister…

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1)

The Steelers offense right now is like a girl who drops five grand on a new set of tits but then never shows them to anybody. For whatever reason, scoring points seems like it’s harder than getting into a nun’s panties…

11. Washington Redskins (2-1)

Does Dan Snyder look like a guy who pays for sex on a regular basis? You bet your sweet ass he does. He might need to stop doing that and save up because if Kirk Cousins continues to play like he did on Sunday night against the Raiders, he’s going to get paid

12. Denver Broncos (2-1)

They may have lost the game in Buffalo, but you have to think the fact that none of their players got shanked by a dildo in the parking lot afterward was a huge win…

13. Carolina Panthers (2-1)

Cam Newton was the NFL’s MVP in 2015. It’s hard to tell these days that that was less than two years ago…

14. Oakland Raiders (2-1)

If you were to tell me that the entire Raiders team went on a coke and booze-filled bender in Adams Morgan the night before their Sunday night shitshow against Washington, I’d have no choice but to believe you. They looked worse than Ray Liotta’s face…

15. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)

Blake Bortles only having two interceptions through three games is a bigger surprise than Steve Buscemi having sex on a regular basis…

16. Los Angeles Rams (2-1)

Here’s a video that perfectly sums up what the dozens of Rams fans in Los Angeles are thinking this year:

17. Dallas Cowboys (2-1)

The two Cowboys wins have come against teams who are a combined 1-5 so far. Cowboys fans excited about that are probably same ones who brag about smoking a kid in a wheelchair in the 40-yard dash…

18. Baltimore Ravens (2-1)

Joe Flacco is making $22.133 million this year. Joe Flacco is averaging 109.3 passing yards per game this year…

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

I know somewhere there are two better words to sum up Tampa Bay’s play in Minnesota on Sunday, but for now, I’ll just have to settle for “fucking embarrassing”…

20. Miami Dolphins (1-1)

Sunday’s 20-6 loss to the Jets was a friendly reminder that Jay Cutler is Miami’s quarterback. Oh, and on purpose…

21. Seattle Seahawks (1-2)

The Seahawks have four running backs on their active roster, and they all suck balls. Sure, go ahead and blame the offensive line if you’re a whiny pussy, but just remember, Barry Sanders didn’t have an offensive line in front of him, and he seemed to do OK…

22. Chicago Bears (1-2)

If you had the over in Sunday’s 23-17 victory over the Steelers like we did and then missed it by four points, feel free to join us by saying, “Go fuck yourself, Marcus Cooper.”

23. New Orleans Saints (1-2)

Adrian Peterson is on pace for 123 carries this year. At that rate, he’ll get paid $28,455.28 every time he touches the ball…

24. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)

Carson Palmer is getting paid $24.35 million this year to be a worthless sack of fuck…

25. Houston Texans (1-2)

With the exception of four games, the remaining schedule for the Texans is easier than Jennifer Love Hewitt. They might be 1-2 now, but don’t be surprised if this team is vying for the playoffs in late December…

26. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

The Colts defense has given up 90 points already, and that number looks even worse when you take into consideration that their three opponents have been the Rams, Browns and Cardinals. The good news for Colts fans is that their beloved team should be out of it by the time the Indiana Pacers start their season, which come to think of it, won’t be very good either. It’s a tough call as to which is a worse sports city right now, Indy or Cincy…

27. New York Jets (1-2)

The Jets won a game on Sunday, which means they’ll finish the 2017 season with at least one more win than we thought they would have…

28. Los Angeles Chargers (0-3)

The worst Asian kicker in the league plays for the Chargers…

29. Cleveland Browns (0-3)

The bad news for the Browns? They haven’t won a game yet. The good news? Their next three games are against the Jets, Bengals and Texans. Now if they still don’t have one after that, I think it’s finally time to schedule that game against Alabama that everybody’s been talking about for the last three years to see if they can beat anybody

30. San Francisco 49ers (0-3)

Carlos Hyde looks like the fucking man. Unfortunately, nobody else on his team does…

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)

The good news for Bengals fans? Their beloved team actually found the end zone in Week 3. The bad news? You guessed it: They still lost…

32. New York Giants (0-3)

Just a friendly reminder that the New York Giants haven’t won a football game since Odell Beckham and company went on that boat trip…

Wait, there’s more: Just A Dude Humping The Air In Front Of DeShone Kizer’s Mom At The Browns-Colts Game

You have got to see this shit:

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