Tommy’s Top Three Stories For The Weekend

wisconsin state fair sex

by Tommy Gimler

I guess we can create a new definition on Urban Dictionary for “Wisconsin State Fair Cream Puff.”

Look, I’ve spent the last eight days staring and pasties and assless chaps in Sturgis (and I still have two days remaining), so trying to write about each one of these stories would have been impossible. So, we’re all just going to have to settle for this instead.

3. “I actually thought Mike Glennon was going to be a steal at $15 million a year,” said nobody ever.

Mike Glennon

Sure, it was just one preseason game against the Denver Broncos, but the new Chicago Bears quarterback looked like he had never played the position before, which come to think of it, he really hasn’t. The best three words to sum up Glennon’s “effort” Thursday night? You guessed it: pig shit awful.

He overshot a triple-covered Zach Miller on his second pass attempt of the night, but hey, at least somebody caught it. It’s just that that guy played for the Broncos, and he returned it 50 yards the other way for a touchdown.

There is positive news though, Bears fans. Coach John Fox says he’s still your starter. Hahahaha…

2. I guess we have to talk about the two fat shits who were caught humping at the Wisconsin State Fair.

wifairduo

Usually if one or two people send me a story, it’s pretty funny. But when 14 people send me the same story about two people fucking in the bleachers at the Wisconsin State Fair in West Allis and one of them is my mom, I guess we really need to talk about that one.

Meet Robert Beasley, who some in the Milwaukee area might also know as part-time wrestler “Bobby Valentino.” He and Desiree Anderson were arrested after they decided to take each other to pound town at the annual Wisconsin State Fair.

Shit, if that’s what she was willing to do for a part-time wrestler, you have to think she would have invited her sister to the party if the dude would have been grappling on a full-time basis…

1. The woman leading the investigation that resulted in a six-game suspension for Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott is a Giants season ticket holder.

HBO Documentary Screening Of "Sex Crimes Unit"

Look, if Ezekiel Elliott really beat the snot out of his batshit crazy ex-girlfriend at Ohio State, then he deserves to be punished. But once again, the NFL has totally dicked the whole thing up by appointing…wait for it…a Giants season ticket holder to lead the investigation into it.

According to The New York Times, Lisa Friel is “responsible for investigating alleged violations of the league’s personal conduct code: domestic violence, sexual assault, animal cruelty, blackmail, extortion, racketeering, disorderly conduct, you name it.” The problem with that this time around is that she is a diehard Giants fan, so there’s a bigger conflict of interest here than Roman Polanski giving a speech at a Girl Scouts conference.

I mean, I would understand if you couldn’t find a Browns season ticket holder to hand the investigation off to in this case because I don’t think there are any left, but good lord, letting a woman who has season tickets to another NFC East team’s home games do it? Jesus H, Roger.

I think the only fair thing to do now is to let Jerry Jones lead the investigation into Eli Manning selling off fraudulent memorabilia…

Wait, there’s more: NBA Live 18 Will Feature Stephen A. Smith So Apparently The Goal Is To NOT Sell Games

You have got to see this shit:

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