Giancarlo Stanton Can Plow My Sister

stanton home runs

by Tommy Gimler

It’s official: Giancarlo Stanton is hotter than Kate Upton scissoring Charlotte McKinney on a bed made solely of baby seal skins.

In case you haven’t noticed – and judging by attendance you haven’t – the Miami Marlins have managed to win a few games here and there and are threatening to make a run at the .500 mark.

The biggest reason why? Yup, you guessed it: Giancarlo Stanton is beating the everliving shit out of the baseball, almost as if he’s Chris Brown and the ball is a girl who just went through his cellphone without his permission.

Since August 4, the Marlins have gone 6-5, but in those 11 games, Stanton has been swinging a bigger stick than Lexington Steele, hitting…wait for it…10 home runs with 19 RBI. He’s hit 22 bombs in his last 34 games, and he’s now up to 43 homes runs and 89 RBI for the season, and keep in mind that most teams still have somewhere around 45 games left to play.

Tonight’s jimmy jack set the Marlins single-season record, and let’s just say that it wasn’t a cheapie.

Pitching to Stanton right now is almost as bad of an idea as cutting off your dick, throwing it in the microwave and cooking it on high for three minutes, but for whatever reason, most managers are still deciding to give it the ol’ college try. More importantly, however, Stanton’s latest hot streak has landed him a spot in the top ten on the list of guys who can plow my sister.

Here’s what that list looks like as of August 2017:

Top Ten Guys Who Can Plow My Sister (August 2017)

1. Mike Trout

2. Clayton Kershaw

3. Tim “The Big Fundamental” Duncan (great guy)

4. Giancarlo Stanton

5. Khalil Mack

6. Joe Thomas

7. Steph Curry

8. John Daly

9. Max Scherzer

10. The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World

Wait, there’s more: Whole Lotta Ass Slapping Going Down At The PGA Championship

You have got to see this shit (this was after a loss):


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