Bull Shit Penalty In CFL Game Costs Old Woman $1 Million

karen

by Tommy Gimler

We could have done a story on Pablo Sandoval getting DFA’d for being so fat and so gross, but let’s be honest: That’s not really news.

Everybody who has ever placed a bet on a football game has at least one “bad beat” story.

Whether it’s a chaotic ending to a regular season Steelers-Chargers game where the Chargers managed to cover only because Pittsburgh wasn’t awarded a touchdown as the final seconds ticked off the clock or a phantom holding call in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XL negating what probably would have eventually been a go-ahead touchdown for the Seahawks, referees have dicked over millions of bettors somewhere along the way. The saving grace for most of us is that usually Bill Levy’s shitdickery only sets us back $25 or $50.

But imagine a zebra’s ineptitude being responsible for you missing out on…wait for it…one million dollars. Well, that’s the hell that one Canadian woman is living through this morning after a kickoff that was returned for a touchdown in a CFL game was called back on a bull shit “illegal block” penalty.

You see, kids, Karen Kuldys was the Safeway/Sobeys “Touchdown to Win” contestant during Thursday night’s game between the Toronto Argonauts and Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Kuldys was in line to win $1 million if there were two kickoffs returned for touchdowns during the game, something that before the game started would have seemed like a bigger long shot than Brian Bosworth winning an Oscar.

But when Winnipeg’s Lirim Hajrullahu returned the opening kickoff 105 yards for a tuddy, there was one of those “Holy shit balls, this might actually happen” moments in the Kuldys household. And wouldn’t you know it, Toronto’s Martese Jackson did Karen a solid with just under six minutes left in the second quarter when he sprinted 99 yards for the second kickoff returned for a touchdown in the game.

It was truly a magical moment:

Well, except for the fact that it wasn’t.

You may have noticed Winnipeg’s Mike Miller’s feet get tangled up with a Toronto player’s dogs at the 30-yard line, and the referees decided that that constituted an illegal block, negating the touchdown and dicking over Karen Kuldys in the process.

Kuldys told news outlets that she was “stunned” after the dog shit call, but it really hadn’t sunk in because she didn’t know the rules of the game as well as other people like her husband.

“That should have been a touchdown,” Karen’s husband said. “I need to get in touch with the CFL. The guy was eight yards behind the guy running into the end zone. And the Bomber guy fell on his own. The league is going to say they made a bad call, but that doesn’t bring us our one million dollars.”

It’s not all bad news for Kuldys and her husband, as they did win a $25,000 entertainment system as a part of the same contest. But I think the majority of us know where they’d like to shove that thing…

Wait, there’s more: 5 Bold Predictions For MLB’s Second Half

You have got to see this shit:

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