Here’s A Preview Of Every NL West Team In Two Sentences Or Less


by Tommy Gimler

Look, we get it. Reading sucks. That’s why we’ve also included a few pictures of female fans with huge tits.

The thugs in Vegas as well as the baseball “experts” are expecting big things from the Colorado Rockies this year, and that means one thing and one thing only: They’re all smoking some great shit.

Here’s how we see the NL West unfolding in 2017…

1. Los Angeles Dodgers


Dodger fans were able to make it through 2016 without murdering anybody in the parking lot for wearing the opposing team’s gear, so maybe the baseball gods will reward them with a winner this year. Clayton Kershaw is just a goddamn stud who can plow my sister…

2016 record: 91-71 (1st)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 94.5 wins (1st)

FanGraphs says: 94-68 (1st)

Bleacher Report says: 87-75 (2nd)

The DUD says: 92-70 (1st)

2. Arizona Diamondbacks


Many baseball “experts” are creaming their shorts over Bud Black’s arrival in Colorado and what it’s going to do to that franchise, but Arizona is the team that’s wrecking our panties. Zack Greinke leads a sneaky good collection of starting pitchers, and with guys like Goldschmidt, Pollock and Lamb, the offense is almost as explosive as a Peter North cum shot…

2016 record: 69-93 (4th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 77.5 wins (4th)

FanGraphs says: 77-85 (t-3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 81-81 (4th)

The DUD says: 87-75 (2nd)

3. San Francisco Giants


If the Diamondbacks’ offense is as potent as a rope of North’s splooge, the best way to sum up San Francisco’s bats is that they’re about as lethal as my 91-year-old grandpa’s dick. I mean, their best hitter is Madison Bumgarner, who of course is also their best pitcher

2016 record: 87-75 (2nd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 88.5 wins (2nd)

FanGraphs says: 87-75 (2nd)

Bleacher Report says: 92-70 (1st)

The DUD says: 85-77 (3rd)

4. Colorado Rockies


Even my grandma knows the Rockies are going to hit, and she’s been dead for 12 years. But I think the best way to sum up a starting rotation of Jon Gray, Tyler Chatwood, Tyler Anderson, Antonio Senzatela and Kyle Freeland is “Who are these fucking guys?”

2016 record: 75-87 (3rd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 80.5 wins (3rd)

FanGraphs says: 77-85 (t-3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 84-78 (3rd)

The DUD says: 79-83 (4th)

5. San Diego Padres


There is no easy way to put this, Padres fans. Watching your beloved team play baseball this year is going to be almost as disturbing as staring at Hope Solo’s mangled hump hole for 12 seconds…

2016 record: 68-94 (5th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 66.5 wins (5th)

FanGraphs says: 66-96 (5th)

Bleacher Report says: 57-105 (5th)

The DUD says: 61-101 (5th)

Wait, there’s more: If You Know How To Read, This Is Probably The Funniest NL East Preview You’ll See

You have got to see this shit:

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