ESPN’s NFL Draft ‘Expert’ Mel Kiper Was Once Again Almost As Wrong As Fingering Your Cousin At Church

mel kiper douchebag

by Frank Rhombus

Perhaps the biggest question surrounding the roughly 100 people who lost their jobs at ESPN this week might be how in the hell NFL Draft “expert” Mel Kiper kept his.

Let’s be honest: When you spend 360-plus days a year studying for an event, you’d think that by the time that event rolled around, you’d pretty much have a lock on exactly what was going to go down. Then again, we forgot. This is Mel Kiper, and this is ESPN.

At this point in his career, there is no doubt Kiper is pulling down at least six figures to be one of the four-letter’s two NFL Draft experts. But here’s the thing: He sucks at predicting what will happen at the NFL Draft. He’s the equivalent to going to the dentist to get a cavity filled, he winds up removing one of your testicles instead, and he still somehow keeps his job for the next 30 years.

Of Thursday night’s 32 first-round picks, Kiper nailed…wait for it…four of them. Dude had a full year to figure out who was going to go where, a plethora of “sources” to back up his predictions and a head of bulletproof hair to ensure all of his thoughts and knowledge wouldn’t escape his dome, and the fucking guy only hit on 12.5 percent of his predictions.

Seriously, the fact that this clown still has a gig at ESPN after watching the amount of talent that was released this week is dumbfounding.

Of those four picks Kiper “nailed,” one of them was of course Myles Garrett going to the Cleveland Browns. Hell, even my grandma knew that was going to happen, and she’s been dead for 12 years. After that, it was pretty much dick sandwich after dick sandwich being stuffed down the throats of Vegas bettors who actually had the grapes to put their kid’s college fund on Kiper’s projections.

Of course, nobody saw the Bears trading up one spot to the second pick and taking Mitch Trubisky, something that can only be explained as an effort to make everybody forget about the time earlier this year when the entire front office dropped acid on a team building trip and wound up giving Mike Glennon $15 million a year to suck balls. And we get trades like Kansas City wasting a pick at #10 on Pat Mahomes kind of make things a tad nuttier than Gary Busey. There’s no denying that.

But when you see Kiper updating his mock draft two hours before the real one starts, and he’s got a team like the Titans at #5 taking cornerback Marshon Lattimore, but they really take wide receiver Corey Davis, a guy he had going at #16, well, then that, my friend, is nothing short of pure fucking garbage.

Thanks for another memorable year, pal…

Wait, there’s more: Which One Of These Is A Muppet Working At Disney?

You have got to see this shit:

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