Breaking News: Brewers OF Ryan Braun Tears Ligament, Out For Season

ryan braun injury

by Tommy Gimler

The good news for Brewers fans is that Packers’ training camp starts in less than four months.

The Milwaukee Brewers won their exhibition game against the visiting Chicago White Sox 5-2 at Miller Park yesterday, but it appears as though they have lost star outfielder Ryan Braun for all 162 games that will actually count.

When Braun was replaced by Kyle Wren in the bottom of the eighth inning Saturday night, not much was made of it despite the fact that he was seen moving gingerly after striking out in the sixth inning. But after meeting with the training staff following the game, a somewhat somber manager Craig Counsell made his way to his postgame presser and broke the news.

“Uh, nice win tonight for our guys, but we’ll get things started with an update on Ryan Braun,” Counsell said as he sat down in front of the usual Associated Bank backdrop. “I just left the trainer’s room and it appears as though ‘Braunie’ is going to miss quite a bit of time with a torn ligament, most likely the season, but we’ll wait to get a second opinion on it Monday.”

After several seconds of silence, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel‘s Tom Haudricourt asked the obvious question.

“Craig, can you tell us which ligament Braun tore and when it happened?” Haudricourt asked.

“Yeah, Tom, it appears as though it happened after he was walking back to the dugout when he struck out again in the sixth,” Counsell said. “And as far as which ligament it is, I’m not sure what they officially call it in the medical field, but it’s the one that holds the left side of his vagina together.”

“Wait, are you saying that Ryan Braun has a vagina?” Haudricourt asked.

“Yeah, that’s what they’re telling me,” Counsell said. “I mean, I was kind of shocked at first as well, but it makes a whole lot of sense after you think about it. All of those games he told me couldn’t play during the season last year, especially the ones after we had just had a day off and then all the talk this year about how he’s not getting paid to play spring training games. So yeah, Ryan Braun having a giant, gaping pussy actually makes a lot of sense now.”

Most of Braun’s teammates weren’t fazed by the news that they lost Braun for the year due to a vaginal tear.

“Me and the guys got used to covering for him last year, so I honestly think we’re going to be just fine,” center fielder Keon Broxton said. “He would come in last year and say something like ‘My fingers hurt,’ and most of us thought he was just trying to be funny by quoting ‘Happy Gilmore,’ but he really was whining about his fingers. I guess a busted-ass pussy kind of sums him up perfectly.”

“Personally, I’d rather have that guy who laughs like Fire Marshall Bill than some turd with a torn beef flap in this clubhouse,” outfielder Kirk Nieuwenhuis said. “The funny thing is that if this was 2011, he probably could have just taken that cream or sucked on a cough drop or some shit and he would have been back next week. Well, where did that get him? Here he sits now with a ripped twat. Man, I love karma.”

When Brewers owner Mark Attanasio was told about Nieuwenhuis’s comments, Attanasio said he had no idea that Kirk Nieuwenhuis was still in the major leagues, much less on his team. When asked about Braun’s vagina, Attanasio said, “Well, that’s definitely something I wish I would have known before signing him to a $105 million extension, but now that it’s out there that he has a snatch, to tell you the truth, I kind of want to see it.”

The Brewers host the Rockies for a four-game set to kick off their 2017 season on Monday.

NOTE: This was obviously an April Fool’s Day joke, and if it took you this long to realize that, we’re truly sorry that you’re fucking retarded.

Wait, there’s more: If You Know How To Read, This Is Probably The Funniest NL East Preview You’ll See

You have got to see this shit:

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