Add Starling Marte To The List Of Turds Who Refuse To Just Admit They Knowingly Took PEDs Once They’re Busted
by Tommy Gimler
Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Starling Marte has 2.2 million reasons to be disappointed with today’s news that he’ll miss the next 80 games after testing positive for nandrolone.
Here’s Marte’s statement on the matter. Try to read it without laughing:
“I have been informed that I have tested positive in one of the tests that are regularly done in my job. In this very difficult moment I apologize to my family, the Pittsburgh Pirates, my teammates, my fans, and baseball in general. Neglect and lack of knowledge have led me to this mistake with the high price to pay of being away from the field that I enjoy and love so much. With much embarrassment and helplessness, I ask for forgiveness for unintentionally disrespecting so many people who have trusted in my work and have supported me so much. I promise to learn the lesson that this ordeal has left me. God bless you.”
Eat a fucking dick, dude. Nandrolone is an injectable steroid, which means unless Andrew McCutchen was jealous as hell and sneaking into Marte’s Florida home during spring training and administering the shots while he was sleeping, then Marte obviously knew he was using it.
So once again, spare us the “neglect and lack of knowledge” bull shit, man. Just once, wouldn’t it be nice if this was a busted dipshit’s response:
“I have been informed that I have tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug that has been banned at the Olympics since the Nixon administration. I’m aware that it is also on MLB’s list of banned substances, but here’s what happened. I was a good player, but this shit made me elite. The Pittsburgh Pirates sure as shit thought so, and that’s why they gave me a $31 million extension three years ago. And if I continued to play at an elite level, the Pirates would pick up my options after that extension that would put another $24 million in my pocket.”
“And really, that’s why I did it. That’s a lot of fucking money, dude. Hell, where I’m from, $55 million is more like $550 million. And I knew that since the punishment for taking nandrolone under the Joint Drug Prevention and Treatment Program was the equivalent to Cutch tapping me in the penis with his knuckle, I figured fuck it, let’s roll the dice. The only lack of knowledge here is that I didn’t know how to mask my PED use properly, so I got popped. Thankfully, I’ll have 80 games to figure out how to do it correctly or find some something else that’ll help me steal 40 bases and hit 20 home runs.”
“I truly apologize to the Pirates fans for getting caught, but don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. My contract is guaranteed.”
Seriously, if an athlete came out with a statement like that, we’d all love him for it. Everybody knows why athletes take PEDs, and that’s of course because it leads to millions of dollars. Just come out and tell us instead of treating us like we’re retarded, and nobody would think any worse of you. And if they did, fuck ‘em. They’re hypocrites who would do the same thing if somebody flashed $55 million in front of their faces…
Wait, there’s more: Here Are More Sam Dyson Hate Tweets Because Oh, Why Not?
You have got to see this shit: