‘Rickie Weeks Pushing For Spot On Roster’ Is Horrific News If You’re A Tampa Bay Rays Fan

rickie weeks sucks

by Tommy Gimler

There are two things that are a certainty on this planet. One is that since they have a child together, one of my best friends has had sex with my sister at least once. The other? You guessed it: Rickie Weeks is a pig shit awful baseball player.

As a Brewers fan, the latter is something that I no longer have to worry about, but the same can’t be said for the dozens of people who make their way to Tropicana Field 81 times every summer to watch their beloved Tampa Bay Rays in action.

According to Kasey Kuhrts at Rays Colored Glasses, Weeks came to the Rays as a non-roster invitee during the offseason and has been playing some first base for the Rays the last four weeks. And for what it’s worth, Weeks was beating the piss out of the ball at the time of Kuhrts’s post to the tune of a .474 batting average, .545 OBP, 3 home runs and 10 RBI.

Since that post, however, Weeks has gone hitless in seven at-bats with three strikeouts. In fact, since starting the spring 5-for-6 with two home runs, the former Brewers second baseman is just 4-for-19 with seven strikeouts, which is just a glimpse of what Rays fans can expect if Weeks unfortunately makes the roster.

And that’s because Rickie Weeks is pure dog shit during games that actually count.

Kuhrts had the stones to mention that Weeks “has displayed solid power throughout his career,” but the majority of Brewers fans doing their best Stephen A. Smith impression will tell you that that statement is utterly and horribly unjustifiable.

Kuhrts mentioned that in 13 years, Weeks has hit 159 home runs and even participated in the 2011 Home Run Derby. Now, even if you throw out Weeks’s 2003 campaign because he only played in seven games, that amounts to just 13.25 home runs a year, hardly what one would determine as “solid power.”

What Kuhrts failed to mention is the fact that since 2005, 82 more players have hit more home runs than Weeks. 82. He also failed to mention that the only reason Weeks was a participant in the Home Run Derby is because the captain of the team that year was Prince Fielder, and Weeks is the godfather of one of Fielder’s two kids.

He also failed to mention that this happened:

That’s right, kids. Rickie Weeks swung and missed at a pitch in the fucking Home Run Derby, where each hitter gets to choose his own pitcher. Yeah, maybe spend a little more time thinking about how cool you’ll look wearing two different-colored shoes.

Kuhrts also failed to mention that amongst active players with at least 5,000 plate appearances since 2005, only 13 of them have struck out more than Weeks.

The bottom line is almost as simple as the kid who bagged my groceries at Ralph’s this morning: Rickie Weeks is a pig shit awful baseball player, and if Tampa Bay decides that he is good enough to make their ball club, well, better luck next year, Rays fans…

Wait, there’s more: Here’s A Preview Of Every NL Central Team In Two Sentences Or Less

You have got to see this shit:

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