If You Know How To Read, This Is Probably The Funniest NL East Preview You’ll See

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by Frank Rhombus

It turns out the only thing more fucked up than how the Atlanta Braves dicked over the people and nearby businesses in Cumberland last year was Jose Fernandez behind the wheel of a boat.

In a related story, our MLB experts have Yoenis Cespedes winning this year’s “Jung Ho Kang” award for netting the season’s first DUI. Here’s how we see the rest of the NL East playing out this year:

1. Washington Nationals

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There are only two things that will prevent the Washington Nationals from wrapping up the division by Labor Day. One, Stephen Strasburg and Ryan Zimmerman wind up the DL every year if they fart too hard, and two, they’re paying Joe Blanton $4 million to pitch for them this year on purpose

2016 record: 95-67 (1st)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 90.5 wins (1st)

FanGraphs says: 91-71 (1st)

Bleacher Report says: 94-68 (1st)

The DUD says: 96-66 (1st)

2. New York Mets

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If Matt Harvey still wants to get a table at Le Barnardin this summer, then it’s time for him to take out his tampon and start pitching like the ace that he thinks he is. If that doesn’t happen, who’s supposed to save this team from the depths of hell, Lucas Duda, who’s making a c-hair over $7 million to suck balls once again in 2017? Regardless of what happens in Queens this year, Thor can still fuck my sister…

2016 record: 87-75 (2nd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 87.5 wins (2nd)

FanGraphs says: 86-76 (2nd)

Bleacher Report says: 87-75 (2nd)

The DUD says: 83-79 (2nd)

3. Philadelphia Phillies

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Philadelphia’s offense last year was more embarrassing than getting caught with a Lil’ Bow Wow poster on your bedroom wall, as their 610 runs scored were by far the fewest in all of baseball. But something tells us that the additions of Kendrick and Saunders along with a breakout season from Maikel Franco will spice things up in 2017. Plus, if Vince Velasquez’s right arm doesn’t fall off, he’s going to be something special…

2016 record: 71-91 (4th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 73.5 wins (5th)

FanGraphs says: 72-90 (5th)

Bleacher Report says: 72-90 (4th)

The DUD says: 80-82 (3rd)

4. Atlanta Braves

MLB: Atlanta Braves-Workouts

If not for Dansby Swanson at shortstop, the average age of an Atlanta Braves player in 2017 would be 84. Watch for Atlanta to get off to a nice start in their new, fraudulent ballpark thanks to a plethora of crafty veterans but then tail off when the majority of them are wearing new uniforms in August…

2016 record: 68-93 (5th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 74.5 wins (4th)

FanGraphs says: 73-89 (4th)

Bleacher Report says: 70-92 (5th)

The DUD says: 73-89 (4th)

5. Miami Marlins

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The sad reality of your superstar pitcher getting coked up and hammered before getting behind the wheel of a boat and speeding through waters that are notoriously dangerous is that it’s going to be at least three years before a franchise like Miami can recover from his passing. Christian Yelich is a stud in the making and Giancarlo Stanton is almost as dangerous as hiding a loaded gun up your hump hole, but outside of that, this team is fucking garbage…

2016 record: 79-82 (3rd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 76.5 wins (3rd)

FanGraphs says: 79-83 (3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 80-82 (3rd)

The DUD says: 67-95 (5th)

Wait, there’s more: Here’s A Preview Of Every NL Central Team In Two Sentences Or Less

You have got to see this shit:

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