Here’s A Preview Of Every NL Central Team In Two Sentences Or Less

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by Tommy Gimler

I have a better shot at fingering Kate Upton in the Tigers clubhouse than the Brewers do at finishing with a winning record this year.

Hey, we might as well start our 2017 MLB preview series with the one division in baseball in which only one team has a shot of winning: the NL Central. If Chicago doesn’t have this puppy wrapped up by Labor Day, it’ll be more shocking than Corey Feldman touring the country as a singer and people actually buying tickets to see him.

1. Chicago Cubs

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The last 15 World Series champions saw an average decrease of 8.33 wins the year after winning the whole fucking thing, but the last two Theo Epstein teams that won it all only saw a decrease of one and three games in the win column. 38 of the Cubs’ 162 games this year are against the Reds and Brewers, which is pretty much the equivalent to me playing basketball against Stephen Hawking…

2016 record: 103-58 (1st)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 96.5 wins (1st)

FanGraphs says: 95-67 (1st)

Bleacher Report says: 101-61 (1st)

The DUD says: 100-62 (1st)

2. Pittsburgh Pirates

pirates girl

The Pirates still own the best outfield in the division, but it’s hard to tell what we should expect from guys like Tyler Glasnow, Chad Kuhl and Josh Bell. I guess the only certainty is that Jung Ho Kang will not be driving the team bus to any of the games…

2016 record: 78-83 (3rd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 83-79 (3rd)

FanGraphs says: 82-80 (3rd)

Bleacher Report says: 82-80 (3rd)

The DUD says: 87-75 (2nd)

3. St. Louis Cardinals

sexy-st-louis-cardinals-fan-25

The Cardinals have made a living off of no-name players popping up out of the farm system and making an immediate impact, but guys like Matt Adams and Kolten Wong have been huge disappointments. Plus, the core of this team is older than my grandma, and she’s been dead for 12 years…

2016 record: 86-76 (2nd)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 84.5 wins (2nd)

FanGraphs says: 84-78 (2nd)

Bleacher Report says: 90-72 (2nd)

The DUD says: 81-81 (3rd)

4. Cincinnati Reds

reds mascot

Eugenio Suarez, Jose Peraza, Scott Schebler, Cody Reed, Wandy Peralta, and Mitchell Friedman? Who are these fucking guys?

2016 record: 68-94 (5th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 69.5 wins (5th)

FanGraphs says: 70-92 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report says: 67-95 (4th)

The DUD says: 74-88 (4th)

5. Milwaukee Brewers

fat brewers fan

The Brewers announced over the weekend that their Opening Day starter is going to be Junior Guerra. He’s the guy that most sports fans will best recognize from the phrase, “Who in the hell is Junior Guerra?”

2016 record: 73-89 (4th)

2017 predictions

Vegas says: 70.5 (4th)

FanGraphs says: 70-92 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report says: 62-100 (5th)

The DUD says: 64-98 (5th)

Wait, there’s more: The DUD Previews The 2017 MLB Season And Our Money Is On Yoenis Cespedes Getting Arrested First

You have got to see this shit:

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