4 Things To Know Before The Madness Starts Back Up Today

isaac hayes

by Tommy Gimler

Are you fucking mad yet?

Editor’s Note: I’m a bottle of wine in already before noon, so take that into account before risking your kid’s college fund on four games of college hoops. Enjoy.

Michigan (-1) vs. Oregon (7:09 EST)

It turns out the best way to motivate your players to win basketball games is by almost dying in a plane crash. The Wolverines haven’t lost a game since their plane aborted a takeoff and skidded off the runway March 8, and they’re actually favored by a point over the higher-seeded Ducks tonight. Oregon has the edge in scoring margin and rebounding, but Michigan is better when it comes to free throws, three-point shots and turnovers.

Our advice? You guessed it: Give your wife 40 bucks and tell her to go get herself something nice at Ross, crack open a sixer of PBR, and bet the under. Rooting for defense and missed shots sucks balls, but the bottom line is that both of these teams give up 65 points a game, and if Vegas thinks it’s going to be a 1-point game, then I’ll say that a barrage of free throws won’t be part of the final two minutes of this one.

Use all 30 seconds of that shot clock, fellas!

West Virginia vs. Gonzaga (-3) (7;39 EST)

Given the fact that most West Virginia students can’t find San Jose on a map and probably booked a flight to Puerto Rico or some shit to watch their beloved team, you have to think the majority of people in the seats at the SAP Center are going to be pulling for Gonzaga.

Surprisingly, each team features one player from Poland, which is a country you usually don’t associate with great basketball players because, you know, everybody there is so white. Our guess is that one of them throws the ball through the wrong hoop, and Polish jokes make their way through the office tomorrow like it’s 1986 again…

Purdue vs. Kansas (-5) (9:39 EST)

For the Boilermakers to take down Kansas, who at +475 is the new favorite to win it all, their 7’2″, 291-pound ogre Isaac Haas is going to have to learn how to dunk the fucking ball sometime before tipoff. Seriously, when this sloth holds his arms up in the air, he can reach 9’3″, so all he has to do is get his size 22s a c-hair less than a foot off the ground, and he’ll be able to dunk the ball. Instead, Haas is sending Purdue fans into cardiac arrest with layups off the glass and some kind of fucked up bunny hook that resembles my grandfather trying to throw cupcake wrappers in the garbage.

Hell, I’m not even a Purdue fan and his inability to jump and dunk is driving me bonkers. Bottom line: If you’re over seven feet tall and can’t dunk the rock, then it’s time to get off the basketball court and join the fucking circus…

Xavier vs. Arizona (-7.5) (10:09 EST)

Show me somebody who had Xavier making it to the Sweet Sixteen after losing 7 of their last 10 games heading into the tourney, and I’ll show you a fucking liar. Since the game is in San Jose, it means that tipoff will happen well after the Xavier players’ bedtime, and that’s just another reason to like Arizona to win this puppy.

But hey, look at the bright side, kids. After Xavier loses tonight, they’ll have plenty of time to get back to campus and get ready for mass on Sunday. After all, since they’re a Jesuit, Catholic school, it’s God and not winning basketball games that really matters to these players…

Wait, there’s more: ‘Rickie Weeks Pushing For A Spot On Roster’ Is Horrific News If You’re A Tampa Bay Rays Fan

You have got to see this shit:

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