Super Bowl 51 Preview: If You’re Going To Houston, Bring Some Mace And Wrap It Up

houston super bowl

by Frank Rhombus

If you tried to bulk up your stash of drinking money by staying in Sunnyside, you might want to make sure you have your will in order before you get to town.

Hey, we’re less than a week away from the most thrilling sporting event on the planet. Well, unless there’s some kind of sport where guys take turns lining up to get kicked in the balls by a mule, but we’re damn near certain something like that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, it’s the New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl 51, which is being played in Houston, Texas this year. Or in other words, the NFL decided to play its biggest game in one of America’s biggest shitholes this year.

According to the Brennan Center for Justice, Houston is the fourth-worst place to be in America in terms of violent crime amongst the country’s 30 largest cities, as 995 out of every 100,000 people were the victim of some kind of a crime that was deemed violent last year. Think about that. That’s almost one percent of the population, and that’s fucking scary. Only Detroit, Washington, D.C. and Chicago were deemed more dangerous than Houston, as apparently waking up with a pulse on Chicago’s South Side is a rarity these days.

Murders were up 13.4 percent in the Super Bowl host city in 2016, and only four other cities have a higher murder rate per 100,000 peeps than Houston. Hell, in Detroit, it seems as though murder has almost become a professional sport, as 44.9 out of every 100,000 people got clipped last year. In Houston, that number is only 15.1 per every 100,000, but still, that’s way too many, meow. I mean, compare that to a place like Boston, where only 6.6 per 100,000 are getting killed.

The good news for ladies coming down to Houston for the Super Bowl festivities is that you’re probably not going to get raped. In fact, amongst all of the cities in Texas with a population of at least 200,000, Houston is the second safest. But while the perps won’t take your innocence, they will take your wallet or purse. Houston comes in at 13th in the country amongst cities with at least 200,000 people in the robbery department, as almost 459 out of every 100,000 people should expect to have something stolen from them.

Of course, no matter where you’re coming from for the big game, odds are that you’ll probably want to plow somebody while you’re in Houston. And if you’re shaking your head in a “fuck yeah” manner right now, well, buy some dick domes, buddy. If chlamydia doesn’t sound appealing to you, sorry. Houston is the seventh-worst American city to be in, as 471 out of every 100,000 people are pissing blades.

It gets better when it comes to getting infected with gonorrhea, but not much better. Houston is the eighth-most infected large city in America in terms of the clap, as 126 out of every 100,000 people, um, have a little secret. And as far as that AIDS thing everybody is talking about? Well, 21 out of every 100,000 people are walking around the city of Houston with HIV. That ties them with Boston for eighth on the list.

So yeah, if you’re going to Houston for the Super Bowl, it looks like you better buy some kind of mace and condoms combo pack because it’s almost as dangerous as being in a relationship with Chris Brown, and it’s apparently dirtier than Charlie Sheen’s dickhole. But hey, let’s play some football…

Wait, there’s more: Shoutout To This Drunk Fuck Who Ran From Torrey Pines Security And Jumped In A Pond

You have got to see this shit:

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