Marry/F**k/Kill: The Tom Brady, Jimmy Garoppolo & Jacoby Brissett Edition

tom brady jimmy garoppolo jacoby brissett marry fuck kill

by Frank Rhombus

I guess this qualifies as Super Bowl 51 coverage?

Now I can’t be for certain, but I’m pretty sure that I once read in Highlights that 84 percent of Americans have played some form of Marry/Fuck/Kill by their 12th birthday, so we won’t need to go into a detailed description of how to play the greatest game on the planet outside of Just the Tip. Basically, somebody gives you three names and you decide which one you would marry, which one you would fuck and of course, which one you would kill.

Just in time for this year’s Super Bowl, we’ve got a rather homosexual edition lined up for DUD readers, as we’ve got all three quarterbacks on the AFC Champion New England Patriots roster: Tom Brady, Jimmy Garoppolo and Jacoby Brissett.

Here’s how I would have this one playing out, but keep in mind that I grew up in Nebraska.

I would marry Tom Brady.

I mean, this one should be a no-brainer. He’s got the job security and the endorsements, he keeps himself in fabulous shape, he’s a great father, he’s dedicated 100 percent to whatever he puts his mind to, and something tells me that he’s the kind of guy that just does whatever he’s told to do. Plus, 20 bucks says his farts smell like peppermint bark, and that’s important because I have a sensitive nose…

I would fuck Jacoby Brissett.

Although, this would only happen once and only under these two conditions. First, I would be the giver. Second, nobody – and I mean nobody – would ever know about it. I mean, if my dad ever found out about it, he would never speak to me again. Again, I grew up in Nebraska, and the fact that I plowed a dude would make him pace around the yard for days, kicking at the leaves and muttering obscenities in German. But if he found out it was a black dude, well, he’d probably go into cardiac arrest or pack everything up and move to South Dakota. I’m not sure which one of those would be worse…

I would kill Jimmy Garoppolo.

Unfortunately for Jimmy, he’s a casualty of the whole “process of elimination” thing. I’ve got nothing against the guy, but the game says that you have to kill somebody, and what am I supposed to do, kill Tom Brady? The man is a winner and a national treasure. Or am I supposed to put Jacoby Brissett here instead? Look, fucking the dude is one thing, but I don’t need a hate crime on my conscious or on my resume for that matter. Nobody said the game would be easy, and sometimes in the game of Marry/Fuck/Kill, just like in the game of life, somebody gets the short end of the stick for no other reason than “just because.”

Now answer our latest DUD poll, you dirty hookers:


Wait, there’s more: The Video Of Pacman Jones In The Back Of A Squad Car Is Disturbing Yet Glorious At The Same Time

You have got to see this shit:

A video posted by Devin Stratton (@devins223) on

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