Hi, I’m Randy Gregory And I’m A Fucking Idiot

Randy Gregory

by Frank Rhombus

You’d think that if somebody offered you more than $3.8 million to not smoke weed and just play football for four years, you’d respond by saying, “Thanks for the easy money, bitch.”

Well, not if you’re Randy Gregory, and that’s because Randy Gregory is a fucking idiot.

After some “experts” had the Nebraska linebacker pegged as the #1 or #2 overall pick in the 2015 NFL Draft, Gregory fell all the way to #60 after failing the drug test at the NFL Scouting Combine. At that point, a human being with at least five percent of his brain functioning properly would have thought to himself, “You know what? I probably shouldn’t smoke the devil’s lettuce anymore if I want to make millions of dollars.”

But not Randy Gregory, and that’s because Randy Gregory is a fucking idiot.

According to The Dallas Morning News, Gregory “started the season with a four-game suspension before the NFL announced it was tacking on an additional 10 games to the initial ban because of another failed drug test.” That means Thursday’s suspension makes it the same amount of times I plowed my girlfriend on Christmas Eve: three.

Again, one would think that once 14 games and 14 paychecks were taken away from you, you’d say, “Shit, dawg. I’ve got to make sure I never do that shit again and, fuck, come to think of it, I’m pretty goddamn lucky I still have a job at this place, so whatever they ask me to do, like, let’s say they ask me to take up to 10 random drug tests a month, I’m going to make sure that I not only fill up the little plastic cup they give me but also a large empty Glacier Freeze Gatorade bottle just for extra credit and then say, ‘Thank you so much, sir. If there’s anything else I can do at this point like rub your feet, you just let me know.’”

But that’s not what Randy Gregory did, and that’s because Randy Gregory is a fucking idiot.

A “source” told The Dallas Morning News that Gregory’s third suspension, one that will keep him away from the club for a calendar year, was handed down after he missed a scheduled drug test in November. Not random but scheduled. Mother fucker wasn’t even surprised by some dork at the door holding a cup saying, “Pee in this.” Gregory knew he had to take a test, knew what would happen if he missed it, and still, he missed it.

And that’s because Randy Gregory is a fucking idiot.

Think about that for a second. Let’s say you get two DUIs because you refuse to download the Uber app to your iPhone because you’re an idiot. A judge tells you that you will spend the next year in a county “pound me in the ass” prison if you ever get behind the wheel of a car after taking even just a sip of alcohol, and you also have to attend some kind of alcohol counseling class every Tuesday night. And if you miss any of those classes, same thing: “pound me in the ass” time for a year.

So all you have to do is not drink and drive and attend meetings on Tuesday nights.

The following Tuesday, your “pals” tell you to meet them at McFadden’s for a Pabst happy hour promotion, and you meet them there for two pints o’ piss despite the fact that you’re supposed to be talking to a bunch of other losers about how alcohol has fucked up your life. You’ve only had two drinks and “know” you’re fine to drive home, so you get behind the wheel of your Hyundai Santa Fe and start driving down Main Street.

Well, since you didn’t show up for your AA meeting, a warrant was issued for your arrest, so a cop was waiting for you as you got into your shitty ride. Plus, the fact that you disobeyed your absolute sobriety order means that you’re going to get two dicks in the ass this time around. And to think, all of this would have been avoided if you wouldn’t have been a fucking idiot like Randy Gregory.

The good news for Gregory? You guessed it: He’s employed by the NFL and plays for the Dallas Cowboys, which means he’ll be welcomed back for next year’s playoffs with open arms, and he’ll still get seven thousand more chances to fuck up before finally being shown the door.

And Randy Gregory might need all seven thousand of those chances, and that’s because Randy Gregory is a fucking idiot…

Wait, there’s more: Joel Embiid Wants To Be An All-Star Just So He Can Hump Rihanna

You have got to see this shit:

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One Response to Hi, I’m Randy Gregory And I’m A Fucking Idiot

  1. David says:

    Hear hear!

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