Green Bay At Atlanta In The NFC Championship Game: A Closer Look

packers falcons nfc championship

by Tommy Gimler

The Green Bay Packers defeated the Dallas Cowboys at Jerry’s place in thrilling fashion Sunday, setting up a date with “Matty Ice” and the Atlanta Falcons in next Sunday’s NFC Championship Game.

After yielding an opening drive tuddy to the Seahawks Saturday afternoon, Atlanta basically curb stomped the shit out of Seattle to move one game closer to the franchise’s first Super Bowl since Eugene Robinson got busted offering $40 to an undercover cop in exchange for a beej the same night he accepted the Bart Starr Award from the religious group Athletes in Action for his “high moral character.”

Both teams feature an MVP candidate at the quarterback position, but that’s pretty much where the similarities between the two squads come to an end. Check this out:

You’re more likely to get HIV in Atlanta than you are in Green Bay.

That’s surprising, especially when you consider the fact that every girl I ever took to pound town in Brown County let me go bareback. But according to (seriously, that’s a real website), “Downtown Atlanta is as bad as Zimbabwe or Harare or Durban” when it comes to the AIDS virus. The CDC estimates that 1 in 51 Georgians will contract HIV at some point in their lifetime, and that’s almost as scary as seeing Kathy Bates naked. Meanwhile, only 4.7 poor bastards per 100,000 in Wisconsin have really uncomfortable conversations on their hands by the time their third date with somebody new rolls around…

You’re also more likely to contract syphilis in Atlanta than you are in Green Bay.

Basically, you’re going to want to wear one of those full-body condoms from The Naked Gun if you’re planning on humping somebody in Atlanta. Only 0.8 per 100,000 people in Brown County have either primary or secondary syphilis while that rates skyrockets to 45.2 per 100,000 in Hotlanta. Again, a disease that was prevalent from the 16th century through the beginning of the 20th century (if you don’t include present-day Baltimore) is now making Atlanta damn near unfuckable…

You’re actually more likely to find a fat kid sitting around the streets of Atlanta than in Green Bay.

Only 13.4 percent of kids between the ages of 10 and 17 in Wisconsin carry the unfortunate label of “obese.” Meanwhile, 16.5 percent of the youth in Georgia presumably haven’t been running toward anything except the refrigerator for quite some time…

You’re more likely to be murdered, robbed and assaulted in Atlanta, but you’re more likely to be raped in Green Bay.

According to, 0.20 out of every 1,000 people in Atlanta should expect to walk out the door and get murdered this year. 4.45 out of every 1,000 people should expect to be robbed, and 6.56 out of every 1,000 people should expected to be assaulted in some way, shape or form. That’s almost as pathetic as, well, 2017 Corey Feldman. On a scale of 1 to 100 with 100 being the safest city, Atlanta is a 2. Seriously, a 2.

But while 0.56 out of every 1,000 women will unfortunately be raped this year in Atlanta, you’re actually more likely to be unwillingly penetrated in Green Bay. And actually, Green Bay is in no position to be pointing fingers in the entire violent crime category, as on that same safety scale of 100, they’re only a 25. I mean, three people were murdered in Green Bay last year. What the fuck is that about? Our only guess is that they had to be Vikings fans…

You’re more likely to be an unemployed, worthless sack of fuck if you live in Atlanta than you are if you live in Green Bay.

If you’re looking at the unemployment numbers from November 2016, then only 3.8 percent of adults who can work in Green Bay are instead masturbating in their grandmother’s basement or somehow coming up with enough cash to play on the “Orange is the New Black” slot machines at Oneida Casino five days a week. Meanwhile, that number in Atlanta is 5.1 percent, so if our calculations are correct, that’s not as good…

DUD Assessment

Based on all of these mind-blowing statistics in front of us, we have no choice but to declare Green Bay a better place to be than Atlanta, but just barely. The good news for both cities is that it could be worse: They could be Detroit…

Wait, there’s more: Matt Garza’s Offseason Training Apparently Includes Promoting Abstinence

You have got to see this shit:

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