NFL Wild Card Weekend Is Perfect Time To Destroy Bookie With These Bets, Bro

seahawks-lions

by Rakesh the Intern

Happy New Year, bro! Let’s make it a year where we tear bookie’s asshole to pieces with these can’t miss bets on this silly game of American football, my friend!

Listen, bro. Last year was such bad betting year for Rakesh that mother had to sell herself to China man to pay for shitty bets. She said it was OK though because these guys’ peckers are so tiny that she could not feel shit, bro. She said it was a lot like Uncle Amit, and that dude had most of his penis blown off in war with assholes from Pakistan.

Anyway, boss, this is what I am thinking for this Wild Card Weekend, bro:

Oakland (+4) at Houston and OVER 37 Points

Check it out, bro. All year this Raiders team covering on road has been almost as big of lock as Cousin Gokul not getting the poon. Dude was born with baby left arm and it makes most girls in hometown of Howrah barf. Sad shit, bro. This Connor Cook might be shit from pig quarterback, but he has had week to prepare and should be able to find end zone minimum two times. Houston should be able to win game in end since #1 defense is 8-0 at home during opening weekend of playoffs, but something tell me that this Raider team will hang around for a while, much like Cousin Ankur’s herpes. Sick shit, bro…

Detroit at Seattle (-8) and UNDER 44 Points

Let me tell you something, bro. This Matthew Stafford has finger that is almost as fucked up as time I finger hooker named Shreya in Howrah. Couldn’t grow nail on that thing for almost two years, bro. He is going to need every finger to be 100 percent to even have chance against this Seattle defense that is almost as punishing as Uncle Omkar. He’s in jail now for beating Aunt Tanvi. Turns out that isn’t crime in Howrah, but it is actually not acceptable in Toledo. Meanwhile, this Seattle offense line is bigger mess than Cousin Manoj, and that dude was crushed by elephant. Load up on Seahawks and under in this one, bro…

Miami at Pittsburgh (-10.5) and OVER 46 Points

Seriously, bro. You really expect this Matt Moore quarterback to tear apart Steelers defense like it is my ex-girlfriend Akansh’s poon? She was biggest slut in Howrah, so that’s why it was possible on her, but this Steelers defense will have minimum two interception and one will be returned for touchdown. Final score in this one should be something like 65-6. When that hits, you make sure to use #RakeshIsGod on all twitters or whatever you call it in this country. This one is probably bigger lock than Cousin Deepak knocking up chick this weekend, and he has something like 12 kids and he’s only 28. Potent, bro…

Giants at Green Bay (-5) and UNDER 44.5 Points

Listen, bro. Game time temperature for this one is supposed to be something like 15 degree with wind chill in single digits. That is just too cold for major pussy like Odell Beckham to play football at high level. If Giants score more than 13 in this one, it will be bigger surprise than that time we saw Uncle Kunal fuck goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

Wait, there’s more, bro: Hi, I’m Randy Gregory And I’m A Fucking Idiot

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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