Just Because It’s Christmas Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Make Bookie Your Bitch, Bro

santa-claus-money

by Rakesh the Intern

There is a reason why they put teams like Hawaii and Middle Tennessee State on TV on Christmas Eve, bro. It’s a fucking gift when it comes to betting big time Rupee, my friend.

Listen, bro. 2016 has been shit from pig year for Rakesh in terms of betting on this silly game of American football. But not in terms of getting American poon, bro. I have been crushing it with blind chicks this year, my friend.

Anyway, here is what I am thinking for football this weekend, bro:

NCAA

Middle Tennessee State (-285) vs. Hawaii (+7) and OVER 72.5 Points – Hawaii Bowl

Listen, bro. There will be more offense in this one than pubic hairs around my four-inch cock, bro. And like I have said before, I have not cut hair there since Obama took office. I am thinking that Middle Tennessee State will win this one, but Hawaii will slip it in the back door or whatever you call it in this country and cover with almost no time remaining. Entire game will be just like normal day on South Side of Chicago: Shootout, bro. Load and lock up on all three bets if you’re looking to really make bookie your bitch this Christmas Eve, my friend…

Miami Ohio vs. Mississippi State UNDER 58.5 Points – St. Petersburg Bowl

Check it out, bro. This shit from pig Miami Ohio team started season 0-6 and then won six games in a row to make this bowl game. The six teams they beat to get to this game all suck more balls than Uncle Yash, and that guy make Liberace look like virgin. And if you think this Mississippi State team said at beginning of year, “Hey, our number one goal is to get to this St. Petersburg Bowl in a town where there are more oxygen tanks than humans,” well, you’re wrong, bro. Half of team will probably still be drunk when they take field. Load and lock up on under in this one, bro…

NC State (-6) vs. Vanderbilt – Independence Bowl

Let me tell you something, bro. If you’re dropping mad Rupee on this one, you have got major problem like Uncle Kunal, bro. And we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro. But let’s face it, my friend. Odds are you are silly American bettor and will make shit from pig bets all week and need to bet big on this one to make sure you don’t lose house. Well, do smart thing here and bet against smart kids in bowl game. This Vanderbilt team will be too busy committing rape in Louisiana to concentrate on winning football game. Load and lock up on the Wolfpack of NC State here, bro…

NFL

Miami at Buffalo UNDER 42 Points

I’m telling you, bro. Every time these two teams meet in Buffalo, there are two things that are for certain. One, some fat white Bills fan will break back jumping through table. And two, teams will beat piss out of each other in low-scoring affair. Since you can’t bet on stupid fuck jumping through Costco table, you might as well take the next best thing and load up on the under, bro…

Atlanta at Carolina (+3)

Listen, bro. This one smells almost as fishy as my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she was biggest slut in Howrah, bro. Everybody got piece of that poon, including Cousin Gokul and his baby arm and Uncle Vinay, who last time I check was still in wheelchair. I mean, why would Falcons team that just curb stomped last two opponents only be three-point favorites in this one? I think game will be more fixed than my neighbor’s dog, and Carolina covers here, bro…

San Diego at Cleveland OVER 43.5 Points

Check it out, bro. This Cleveland team wants number one pick in next year’s draft so bad that they will be just like my homecoming date and just lay on their backs with legs wide open and take it from everybody except me. That’s right, bro. My date fucked everybody in cabin except me. Too tired is what she said when Rakesh and his monster bush slid into bed for poon time. Probably wouldn’t have paid for her dinner at Red Lobster if I would have known that would happen, bro. Anyway, San Diego should score 44 all by themselves, so load and lock up on the over in this one…

Wait, there’s more, bro: So This Guy Is TOTALLY Sane

You have got to see this shit:

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