Boy, Colin Kaepernick Was A Real Bag Of Shit Yesterday


by Frank Rhombus

When fellow bag o’turds Blaine Gabbert completes four times as many passes as you despite playing just one-fourth of the time you did, well, then it’s official: You’re fucking garbage.

For the first time in NFL history, a quarterback was sacked five times and threw for five or fewer yards in the same game, and his name is Colin Rand Kaepernick. Of course, odds are you missed the 49ers take on the Bears at a snowy Soldier Field in Chicago because you were busy doing anything else, but that means you missed a shitdick performance for the ages.

Sure, it was snowing and the ball was wet, but if Matt Barkley can throw for 192 yards and Brock Osweiler – yes, that Brock Osweiler – can throw for more than 200 yards a few hours north in Green Bay in pretty much the same conditions, then Kaepernick should have zero excuses for only completing one pass for five yards.

Yet as if praising Fidel Castro during press conferences and shitting on a country whose system has created one hell of an opportunity for an unwanted child such as himself wasn’t proof enough that Colin Kaepernick came from the shallow end of the gene pool, the fact that he was actually “surprised” that he was being pulled from a game where he was about as effective as a fishnet condom should do the trick.

“It wasn’t something I was expecting,” Kaepernick said. “I am always prepared and ready to do everything I can to help this team win. It’s not about my feelings. It’s about being able to help this team win. This coaching staff didn’t feel like I was out there being able to help this team win, so they made a change, whether I agree with that or not.”

As our good friend Andy Ostroff likes to say, here’s the thing: How could he not agree with that? Through three quarters, he had performed worse than any quarterback in the history of professional football. Worse than Case Keenum. Worse than Matt Leinart. Worse than Rick Mirer. Worse than anybody who’s ever thrown a pass for the Browns. It was like somebody asked for a Peter North cum shot on the set of a holiday gangbang special and they got whatever’s coming out of my 91-year-old grandpa’s peehole these days, which is probably some combination of dust and blood.

And yet Kaepernick is so delusional these days that he doesn’t agree with the coaching staff benching him despite the fact that he was the worst single-game quarterback ever in a league that’s older than George H.W. Bush. Remember that, kids, the next time he gets behind a microphone and says, well, anything. He’s nothing more than a bag of shit…

Wait, there’s more: Bloomberg Report Suggests College Football Refs Are Slanting Calls To Help Each Conference’s Best Hope For The College Football Playoff

You have got to see this shit:

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