Would You Watch A Von Miller Sex Tape?
by Tommy Gimler
I guess it all depends on who’s on the receiving end. I mean, do I want to see if Von Miller is an MVP where it counts? Sure, I guess. But not if it’s while he’s taking Trevor Siemian to pound town.
The last time we saw Denver Broncos linebacker Von Miller do a video, he was dressed up like an ass clown from the Funky Bunch and dancing on your television screen in what was apparently supposed to be a convincing reason for me to run to Walmart and buy Madden NFL 17. But the video Miller is reportedly trying his damnedest to keep everyone from seeing these days is one that is rated “M” for mature.
That’s right, kids. The latest dipshit to record himself having sex with another human being and think that it would never come back to bite him in the ass is the MVP of Super Bowl 50.
According to numerous media outlets, Miller took Elizabeth Ruiz, a girl “aspiring to be the next Kim Kardashian,” to Cancun a few months ago, and he was aware she was recording them during their consensual plowing. Miller allegedly told Ruiz to keep the video private and then later contacted her and asked her to delete it.
Her response? You guessed it: “Gotcha.”
Ruiz was allegedly seeking $2.5 million from Miller in exchange for the video. In so many words, Miller told her to get fucked (again), and a restraining order has since been issued against Ruiz, barring her from “distributing, copying, or releasing the tape.”
So for the time being, it appears as though your dream of popping some corn, calling over your neighborhood Broncos buddies and watching Von Miller pork Elizabeth Ruiz has been crushed by the powers that be, but hang in there, kids. You never know with these things.
In the meantime, answer our latest poll question and remember to never film yourself humping anybody or anything…
Wait, there’s more: Here’s How Drunk Some Of The Fans Were At The Iowa-Michigan Game Saturday Night
You have got to see this shit:
VIDEO: Anti-Trump protestor tackled while delivering speech in the Union pic.twitter.com/3ctSlWvgwW
— The Lantern (@TheLantern) November 14, 2016