Add Khalil Mack To The List Of Guys Who Can Plow My Sister


by Tommy Gimler

Show me a better defensive player in the NFL right now, and I’ll show you a fucking liar.

After Oakland’s 35-32 victory over the Carolina Panthers at the shithole some people call the Oakland Alameda Coliseum Sunday afternoon, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr had high praise for defensive end/linebacker and fellow teammate Khalil Mack.

“He’s in a class of his own,” Carr said. “I’m not saying he’s better than anybody, though I think he is. I think he is the best football player I’ve ever played with and seen. I think he’s done things that no one has ever seen before. I don’t want to put him in a box. The sky’s the limit for him.”

Well, after finishing the game with a sack, forced fumble, fumble recovery and interception returned for a touchdown, I’m creaming my shorts to see what this guy has in store for an encore. The sack and forced fumble were not only the final nail in the coffin for Cam Newton and the Panthers, but they were also his ninth and third on the year respectively, which is good for sixth-best in the NFL in each category.

But it was the way he came off his block late in the first half to intercept a Cam Newton screen pass and take it just a few yards to the house to give his Raiders a 24-7 lead that made us stop and say, “Whoa, this guy has to be on the list of guys who can plow my sister.”

Yeah, that was fucking tasty.

So with the addition of Mack, here’s what the list of guys who can plow my sister looks like as we dive into this holiday season:

The List of Guys Who Can Plow My Sister (December 2016)

1. Mike Trout (MVP!)

2. Clayton Kershaw

3. Tim “The Big Fundamental” Duncan (great fucking guy)

4. Khalil Mack

5. Steph Curry

6. Joe Thomas

7. Kris Bryant

8. Max Scherzer

9. J.J. Watt

10. John Daly

Note: Aaron Rodgers, who used to be #3 on this list, has dropped off the list. My sister needs a good family man…

Wait, there’s more: Ndamukong Suh Wasn’t The Only Dick On Your Television Screen During The 49ers-Dolphns Game

You have got to see this shit:

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