Reason #13 Why NFL Ratings Are Down: Seattle 6, Arizona 6


by Frank Rhombus

If you’re a fan of offensive plays that don’t make it past the line of scrimmage and missed chip-shot field goals, oh baby, then last night was a humdinger for you.

For the rest of us? Well, it was just another dick sandwich delivered late, cold and with way too much mayonnaise on it, courtesy of the Shield.

It’s no secret that NFL ratings are fading faster than Jordan Reed’s ability to speak using complete sentences, but the thugs in the league office continue to say they have no idea why that is. Well, for the rest of us living in reality, figuring out why TV ratings are down is easier than plugging Courtney Love if you’re in possession of meth.

You could make the argument that there are more ways to watch the NFL than ever before, so declining television ratings would be an obvious side effect of that. And sure, watching Donald Trump make a complete shitdick of himself while a career politician just sits back, laughs and says thanks is must-watch TV these days.

But the number one reason the NFL is losing viewers is almost as simple as the kid who bags my groceries at Vons: The product on the field is pure dog shit.

Exhibit A? You guessed it: Last night’s “primetime” matchup between the Arizona Cardinals and Seattle Seahawks that ended in a 6-6 tie. Sure, if you bet on the under, the 3-0 score at halftime made it obvious that your bet was a winner, allowing you to order up your victory hooker, rip and tear, and then kick her out of your mom’s house before the game went final, but the rest of us lost the ability to even get an erection much less maintain one for a plow sesh after watching that garbage.

You don’t need to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars on surveys and research to figure out that the vast majority of football fans love points. And it doesn’t have to be a Texas Tech spring scrimmage point tally either. But double digits from each team would sure be nice, especially when those teams are playing in what is supposed to be the marquee time slot.

And despite last night’s anemic outcome, the capability was actually there for points to be scored even though each offense was going up against an elite defense on the other side of the ball. But thanks to a crew of officials who came to the conclusion that America wanted to watch them call 500 holding penalties that killed damn near every single offensive possession, the game remained scoreless for damn near the entire first half. Hell, 53 minutes into the game, it was still 3-0.

No matter which way you slice it, that’s bad fucking TV, and it was probably at that point or even 20 minutes before that if your remote wasn’t sitting across the room that you switched over to “Westworld” on HBO to treat yourself to some of them tits they show on there.

Look, there are hundreds of solid options when it comes to being entertained on the small screen these days, and a “show” in which refs are killing drives with holding penalties, quarterbacks are missing open receivers, guys are getting paid millions of dollars to miss 24-yard field goals, and games are finishing in a 6-6 tie seems to be falling pretty goddamn fast on that list.

If the NFL is serious about fixing their declining ratings, then they need to look no further than correcting the shit they’re throwing on the field on a weekly basis…

Wait, there’s more: Michael Irvin Says Ezekiel Elliott Talking About Running The Football Makes Him Want To Jerk Off

You have got to see this shit:

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