One-Fourth Of The Way Into The Season, The Broncos Are Still The Best Team In The NFL

NFL: Denver Broncos at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

by Tommy Gimler

The Von Miller Madden NFL 17 commercial where he’s dancing around like a member of the Funky Bunch still sucks balls, though.

It’s been roughly 9 1/2 months since the Denver Broncos last lost a football game, meaning that broads all over the Denver area have been able to get knocked up and deliver their mistakes without ever seeing their beloved team wind up on the wrong side of the score. So it’s no surprise that as we rank all 32 teams now that one-fourth of the 2016 season is over, the Broncos are all alone at the top of the list:

1. Denver Broncos (4-0)

Our boy Chad McKnight probably put it best when he said, “We won the Super Bowl last year with a quarterback who couldn’t throw a fart over a pillow.” It doesn’t matter if Trevor Siemian has a busted-ass shoulder or just a little sand in his vagina, it’s going to be this defense that is going to win or lose every game for them…

2. Minnesota Vikings (4-0)

Speaking of defenses that are good enough to fuck my sister, Minnesota’s defense has held their opponents to 12.5 points a game, and those teams have been quarterbacked by Super Bowl champions, Super Bowl MVPs, regular season MVPs, and, well, a Hawaiian…

3. New England Patriots (3-1)

Are we the only ones who think Bill Belichick could start Stephen Hawking at quarterback and still finish the season no worse than 11-5?

4. Philadelphia Eagles (3-0)

Sure, the Eagles outscoring the Browns and Bears by 34 points and celebrating would be a lot like me blogging about how I went undefeated in hoops last year in games where every opponent had just come from chemo treatments, but that 34-3 curb stomping of the Steelers was proof this Eagles team is no slouch…

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)

The Kansas City Chiefs must feel like the first girl who gets plowed by a guy who has been married for 12 years but just found out the love of his life was cheating on him with his uncle. #UnableToWalkTheNextMorning…

6. Green Bay Packers (2-1)

Sadly for Packers fans, the talent on this Packers team is almost as impressive at Kate Upton’s tits, but it’s the ego and stupidity of their head coach that will likely keep them from bringing the Lombardi Trophy home to where it belongs…

7. Seattle Seahawks (3-1)

For a second there, it seemed as though Russell Wilson was not going to be the same player after ejaculating into a woman for the first time this summer. That is apparently not the case…

8. Atlanta Falcons (3-1)

Sure, scoring on the Panthers defense seems like it’s almost as easy this year as being a dude in Hollywood with his SAG Card and bumping into Jennifer Love Hewitt, but this Falcons team sure looks a lot like the one that went 13-3 a few years ago and then shit the bed in the playoffs…

9. Oakland Raiders (3-1)

Normally, you’d only expect to find the Raiders in the top ten of a list of fan bases with the most felonies, but this year’s product on the field could wind up being something special. Their next four games are against teams with a combined record of 5-11…

10. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)

Heading into Sunday’s 28-27 loss at home to Oakland, I had considered the Ravens to be one of the worst 3-0 teams I had ever seen. But Ravens fans suffering from that incurable strain of gonorrhea making its way through Baltimore should be comforted by the fact that their beloved team’s schedule is so damn easy that they’re probably going to finish 10-6 at the worst this year…

11. Houston Texans (3-1)

Winning the AFC South these days is a lot like winning a bronze medal at the Special Olympics. Sure, congrats on going to the postseason, but you just had to beat up on a bunch of retards to get there…

12. Los Angeles Rams (3-1)

Todd Gurley has been about as effective as a condom made of Swiss cheese, but the Rams have still found a way to win three consecutive games after absolutely shitting the bed against the 49ers in Week 1. Something tells me teams will “figure out” Case Keenum over the next few weeks…

13. Dallas Cowboys (3-1)

Dak Prescott has been nothing short of brilliant since taking over at quarterback for the Cowboys, and Ezekiel Elliott is leading the league in rushing yards. The Dallas defense is holding opponents to under 20 points a game. Still, this is a team that is coached by Jason Garrett, a guy who once iced his own kicker…

14. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2)

It’s not that the Bengals are a bad team, it’s just that their schedule is harder than a freshman in college who just stumbled into a tit bar…

15. Buffalo Bills (2-2)

The Bills defense has only given up 18 points the last two games after getting taken behind the tool shed in their first two. The Bills Mafia is also in midseason form already and probably leading the league in unplanned pregnancies courtesy of getting fucked against a Corolla in the parking lot after the game…

16. Arizona Cardinals (1-3)

The Cardinals are learning the hard way that Carson Palmer is a sack of fuck. Still, they’re outscoring opponents by 12 points this year despite losing three of their first four games…

17. Washington Redskins (2-2)

The Redskins are only two Kirk Cousins bad decisions away from being a 3-1 team. You like that?!?!?!

18. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2)

We said it before the season started, and we’ll say it again: If Alex Smith learns to throw the ball further than 5 yards downfield, this team is going to be dangerous. If not, they’ll be the Chiefs…

19. New York Jets (1-3)

Boy, for being the smartest guy in the league, Ryan Fitzpatrick sure is dumber than a box of shit when it comes to the whole “completing passes to his opponents” thing…

20. San Diego Chargers (1-3)

The Chargers have outscored their opponents by 13 points this year, yet they currently have a 1-3 record. That’s because they have no finishing move. It’s like doing the hard shit with the girl at the bar, introducing yourself, being funny and then actually getting her to come back to your place. But then when you get back to your place, you pass out in your bed and your brother ends up fucking her on the couch downstairs. #TrueStory…

21. New York Giants (2-2)

This Giants team is more banged up than Hope Solo’s hump hole, Odell Beckham is showing athletes across the country what happens to your skills after you sleep with a Kardashian and Eli Manning is playing like Eli Manning. That’s not a good thing…

22. Carolina Panthers (1-3)

Putting them this high on the list is a courtesy to how good they were last year and what they can be if everybody gets healthy. But I can’t trust a team that can’t find a way to contain Julio Jones after he crosses the 200-yard barrier much less the 300-yard mark…

23. Chicago Bears (1-3)

If you would have told me that this team would have been better with Brian Hoyer at quarterback than Jay Cutler, I would totally have agreed with you because Jay Cutler is fucking garbage…

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3)

A lot of bettors had the Jags as their darling team to make a run this year, but it turns out they’re still the same ugly bitch sitting at the end of her bar licking her fake nails before digging into the bowl of community popcorn…

25. New Orleans Saints (1-3)

Despite laying down on their backs with their legs up in the air and telling opposing offenses to come fuck the shit out of them, New Orleans has only been outscored by 16 points through four games. If they can find a way to make just one or two stops on defense, the offense that is more potent than a Peter North cum shot should find a way to win a few games…

26. Detroit Lions (1-3)

The Lions won six of their last eight games to finish out the 2015 season. In 2016, they’re the Lions again…

27. Indianapolis Colts (1-3)

Sadly, it seems that the only way Chuck Pagano can inspire his troops is by getting cancer…

28. San Francisco 49ers (1-3)

This is the highest you will ever see a team being quarterbacked by Blaine Gabbert on a power rankings list…

29. Tennessee Titans (1-3)

I feel like spending any more than one sentence on this team would be a bigger waste of time than watching Chris Berman talk about, well, anything…

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3)

The Bucs fired Lovie Smith because Dirk Koetter is supposed to be some kind of offensive genius. Well, through four games, the Bucs are 25th in points per game and Jameis Winston has the second-worst QB rating in the league. Genius…

31. Miami Dolphins (1-3)

The Dolphins should have lost the only game they won this year, and it’s all because God hates the Browns just a tad more than he hates the Dolphins…

32. Cleveland Browns (0-4)

Cue the heroin overdoses…

Wait, there’s more: Things Are So Good In Chicago These Days That Cubs Fans Are Making “We Don’t Suck Anymore” Parody Songs

You have got to see this shit:

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