The Best Gambler In Los Angeles Is Here To Tell You How The Shitty NFC East Will Go Down This Year

2016-nfc-east-predictions

special to the DUD courtesy of the Sports Gambling Podcast’s Sean Green

Time for my annual tradition of breaking down the NFC East win totals from a completely biased, non-rational approach that only an Eagles fan like myself can execute.

I know what you’re thinking NFC East? More like NFC LEAST? Good one. While your joke maybe be tired and hack the sentiment is accurate. The last time an NFC East team made it to a conference final was in 2011, so basically the NFC East has sucked the entire post MySpace era. In fact their combined expected win totals of 30.5 is the lowest for any division is the NFL even beating out the historically shitty AFC South. I mean, the fucking Jaguars?

Lines courtesy of www.24ksports.ag.

Washington Redskins 7.5 (OVER -145, UNDER +115)

kirk-500x340

Don’t let their paper thing 9-7 record fool you, as they didn’t beat any quality teams. People are wondering if Kirk Cousins will regress. Put it this way, he accidentally kneeled a ball instead of spiking it in the two minute drill! And they STILL WON THAT FUCKING GAME! The Redskins are cursed and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that FedEx Field was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, as that’s right up Snyder’s alley.

Put your kid’s college fund on the: UNDER +115

Dallas Cowboys 8.5 (OVER +115, UNDER -145)

Tony Romo, Dez Bryant

“If Tony Romo stays healthy, this team could contend for a Super Bowl” was the asinine talking point for lazy pigskin prognosticators this offseason. I got on the under when it opened at 9 +100 and I don’t think they’ve adjusted the line enough.  Jason Garrett is the definition of mediocrity going 40-40 in the past five years. The Cowboys were 1-11 without Tony Romo last year and this year they’re just going to be super awesome without him? First off, the dude is named Dak? Only other Dak I’ve ever heard of was also some cocky young kid who thought he could take on the whole empire himself and ended up getting lit up. I picture a similar ending for this Dak.

Why buy your girl a ring when you can put your cash on the: UNDER -145

New York Giants 8 (OVER -160, UNDER +130)

eli-manning-face

The Giants haven’t won more than 7 games in any of the past three years. I guess the horseshoe that Eli Manning has shoved up his ass needs to be rearranged because the Giants haven’t had their insane luck they’ve relied on for their earlier successes. The Giants defense has more holes that Hillary Clinton’s email server, as they had the #32-ranked defense last year, and it’s not like it’s going to take a drastic leap up. Their defensive coordinator Steve Spagnulo is responsible for two of the three worst defenses of all time. Enough said.

Why pay rent this month when you can tickle the: UNDER +130

Philadelphia Eagles 6.5 (OVER +130, UNDER -160)

eagles-fans-sad

CARSON FUCKING WENTZ! He’s a giant dude with a canon arm who loves football. He’s like a ginger Brett Favre except the only person he’ll show his dick to is his wife after they get married.

What were you doing at 5:45 am? Probably sleeping or texting your dealer for more coke. You know what Carson Wentz was doing? He was already in the film room. Love this guy. Wentz actually increases their chances for wins now. Their offense has holes that can only be plugged by a mobile QB where there is no film on how to play.

On defense, the switch to a 4-3 and Jim Schwartz scheme will have their defensive line feasting on offenses. That plus the addition of stud safety Rodney McCleod means a new era of football has begun in Philadelphia, one that sees a defense with amazing attitude and a BIG PLAY QB who isn’t afraid to throw downfield and knows how to properly wear sleeves unlike Sam Bradford.

Take out a second mortgage and throw it on the: OVER 6.5

Final Predictions

Eagles win the division, Sam Bradford blows out his ACL and the Eagles get the Vikings’ #1 pick. Oh and DALLAS SUCKS!

Sean Green is a stand up comedian and co-host of The Sports Gambling Podcast. You can see Sean live at Sean’s Sports Show 9/28 10pm at the Westside Comedy Theater…

Wait, there’s more: This Is Hopefully The Future Of Onside Kicks

You have got to see this shit:

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