NFL Week 1 Is Perfect Time To Make Bookie Your Bitch, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Let me tell you something, bro. This summer back in my hometown of Howrah, India has turned me into optimist and I don’t think I will lose game all year when it comes to this betting on silly game of American football.

Everywhere I look at home, I be like, “Rakesh, these people have it worse than you.” I would look outside window and there would be Uncle Naveen taking fresh shit in middle of road. I would walk to market later in the day and see my ex-girlfriend Akansh, and she had some strain of incurable syphilis from being biggest slut in Howrah, and she has almost scratched her nose off. Sick shit, bro.

So that is why I look at these games this weekend, and I am seeing crap ton of points, my friend. Tell bookie that you are taking all overs this week. And then right before he hang up, then say, “Oh wait, bro. One more thing.” And then when he says, “What, bro?”, you say, “You will be my bitch this year, bro.” Boom the dynamite goes.

Now, here is what I am thinking for this weekend, boss:

NCAA

Central Michigan at Oklahoma State OVER 61 Points

Listen, bro. Don’t fall asleep on this Central Michigan team, bro. I can see this team keeping this game almost as close as Uncle Kunal keeps his goats. And we caught that guy fucking his goats at family reunion, bro. Last year’s team only lost by 11 points to this OSU squad, and since they have most of their team coming back, you can expect more of that same shit, my friend…

Akron at Wisconsin OVER 46.5 Points

Check it out, bro. Akron’s nickname of Zips is dumber than Uncle Vivek and that dude thought Malaysia was some kind of condiment, and I’m like, no Uncle Vivek, that’s where they make my shoes. Dumb fuck, bro. But this Akron quarterback can fire that fucking pigskin, my friend. Granted they were playing military school in Virginia or some shit last week when he threw for six touchdowns, which would be like me bragging about beating Cousin Divya in race and she is in wheelchair. But the Akron defense also gave up 24 to this shit from pig school, and that means Wisconsin might score 47 all by themselves, bro…

North Carolina at Illinois OVER 58 Points

I’m telling you, bro. These two offenses can be almost as potent as Cousin Deepak, and that guy has something like eight kids now and there is girl from Delhi who keeps calling him to say that she has bun in oven and it’s his bun. I mean, pull the fuck out, bro. Deepak might keep shooting in these fertile girlies but this American football game will be shoot “out,” bro. Load and lock up on this one, my friend…

NFL

Tampa Bay at Atlanta OVER 48 Points

Seriously, bro. I’m almost as certain about this one as I am that Cousin Neeraj will never have sex with girlie. I can say that with confidence because he was kicked in the balls by a mule on vacation last summer, and has not had erection since. Sad shit, bro. This Atlanta is shit from pig, and new Tampa coach will have hard on trying to show league that his offense is not. Easy bet here, bro…

Cleveland at Philadelphia OVER 41 Points

I’ll tell you something, bro. Everybody say this Browns team is the equivalent to Cousin Rohan, and he’s retard, bro. His parents thought it was because he drank gasoline once, but come to find out later that they were actually second cousins. Sick shit, bro. But I think this Hue Jackson will be able to make this RGIII not as shit from pig as he has been in past this ginger fuck Carson Wentz will want to shove football in Browns’ asshole for not wanting to draft him earlier this year. Either way, getting to 41 should be easier than Akansh…

New York Giants at Dallas OVER 46 Points

Look, bro. No Tony Romo? No problem. With this Dak Prescott, Cowboys fans can expect team to actually score touchdown instead of taking bad sack on third down in red zone. Meanwhile, last year’s Cowboys defense was pure goat shit, and Giants should be able to tear it apart like this Lexington Steele guy does to poons. Might want to put kid’s college fund on this lock, bro…

Well, I have to go, bro. This “Bikini Super Heroes” on HBO needs all of my attention…

Wait, there’s more, bro: The Best Gambler In Los Angeles Is Here To Tell You How The Shitty NFC East Will Go Down This Year

You have got to see this shit:

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