5 Legit Reasons Why The NFL’s Ratings Are Down


by Tommy Gimler

Television ratings for the Sunday Night Football shitshow that was the Vikings hosting the Packers in their new stadium that will eventually cost taxpayers $678 million were down 16 percent from last year’s Week 2 tilt featuring the Packers and Seahawks, which once again goes to show that nobody likes the Vikings.

Perhaps even more disturbing than the decline in ratings is the fact that nobody at the NFL knows why they are experiencing a dip in viewers. Well thankfully, we do:

Reason #1: People are sick of watching rich rapists and women-beaters play games.

Look, if your local Piggly Wiggly found out 56 percent of the dudes bagging your cans of creamed corn were hammering away on teenage puss in the alley behind the store yet continued to employ them anyway, odds are you’d find somewhere else to get your groceries. Likewise, it’s tough to cheer for the Bengals when so many guys on their roster have rap sheets longer than your grandma’s toenails…

Reason #2: People are sick of dog shit officiating.

When I interviewed the GOAT Jerry Rice earlier this year, he said he preferred the jousting match that used to go on between him and the defensive back who was trying his damnedest to cover him because he knew he was better than whoever it was and as long as he knew right where he was, he knew he was going to be able to catch the ball. Now, refs throw flags for defensive pass interference if the defender’s hangnail grazes the receiver’s arm during coverage. We too often hear announcers say, “Well, I don’t know about that,” or something like, “I’m not really sure where the penalty was, but who really knows anymore?”

Well, that’s a major fucking problem when it comes to the integrity of the game. Nothing kills a drive quicker than a 10-yard offensive holding penalty while nothing prolongs a drive quite like a defensive holding or pass interference call, and these power-hungry turds in stripes are throwing too many flags at times when they should really just leave them in their pockets.

Show me somebody who watches a game to see the ref call a penalty and I’ll show you a fucking liar. Let the players play…

Reason #3: The product on the field right now is caught somewhere between good football and pure fucking garbage.

Cody Kessler is going to be the third guy to start at QB for the Browns this year when Cleveland takes on Miami this Sunday, and it’s only Week 3! If I would have mentioned Kessler’s name last week, your response would have been something to the effect of, “Who in the hell is Cody Kessler?”

Look, the NFL is a league where Joe Flacco is considered an elite quarterback, and he’s pig shit awful. And when you only have five or six guys who can truly play the most important position in the game at an elite level, that means the majority of the time you are asking us to get excited and make time to watch something that is mediocre at best, much like the final two installments of The Hunger Games.

Dropped passes are at an all-time high because the league is younger than ever, and those guys are being held out of preseason games because management doesn’t want to see their prized draft picks get hurt. So that’s why you consistently hear announcers say something like, “Well, he and Cutler just aren’t on the same page yet.” Well, you know when a good time to get on the same fucking page would have been? Yup, you guessed it: The preseason.

Plus, there’s the whole thing about guys making millions of dollars to play defense, which in the past meant that you needed to be a good tackler among other things. Now, we see a defender make a good tackle about as often as we see the Browns win a game…

Reason #4: Watching Thursday Night Football games is about as enjoyable as watching your Applebee’s server dig in his ass for 30 seconds before he brings you your spinach dip.

The thought of being able to watch the NFL three nights a week sounds like a good idea on the surface, but most of us don’t have that much time to dedicate to that since we have what are known as jobs. And asking us to take time away from our friends and family to watch the Jaguars play the Titans during the week is pretty damn egotistical if you ask me.

Plus, having all of your games – or at least the majority of them – on one day is what truly makes the game special.

There is also the whole “player safety” issue, and forcing a team to play four days after getting banged up in a rivalry game hardly seems safe. Most of the time when a guy tweaks his ankle, he needs that full week of rest just to be questionable for the following Sunday.

Make Sunday great again, and put every game other than the MNF matchup on the docket…

Reason #5: Johnny Carson infomercials are that goddamn funny.

If the Rams are playing on Fox this Sunday morning, odds are the Los Angeles CBS affiliate isn’t going to burn their opportunity to air a game by doing so at the same time. So, they’ll air what is known as a paid advertisement, and often times it’s for a box set of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

And if you think that three minutes into the game I won’t be changing the channel to CBS, well, think again. Carson was just that funny, folks.

Well, that and you can only take so much of Case Keenum underthrowing his receivers by four yards before you’ll watch pretty much anything else…

Wait, there’s more: The Bills Mafia Is Back, Baby!

You have got to see this shit:

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