2016 Outlook For All 32 NFL Teams In Two Sentences Or Less

2016-nfl-predictions

by Tommy Gimler

The good news for football fans in Detroit is that hockey season is just one month away.

Pretty simple concept here, kids. Nobody can read an in-depth analysis of anything anymore unless there are lots of pictures or very little words. We chose the latter route to show you how we think all 32 NFL teams will finish this year:

AFC East

New England Patriots (Vegas says: 10.5 wins, DUD says: 11-5)

Every time somebody opens Tom Brady’s mouth and takes a shit in it, he murders their children. Expecting anything else this time around would be uncivilized…

Buffalo Bills (Vegas says: 8-8, DUD says: 10-6)

Even if Buffalo doesn’t win the division, Bills fans can take solace in knowing that they’re still #1 when it comes to jumping through tables, having sex on the hoods of Corollas in the parking lot, doing lines of snout candy inside Ralph Wilson Stadium midway through the third quarter, and of course, fingering their girlfriends’ poop chutes in front of the kids…

Miami Dolphins (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 7-9)

Adam Gase was responsible for bumping Jay Cutler up to the “Not Totally Fucking Pathetic” category a year ago. If he can do the same thing with Ryan Tannehill, that’ll give him more miracles on his resume than Jesus Christ…

New York Jets (Vegas says: 8-8, DUD says no fucking way: 6-10)

Brandon Marshall has never played in a postseason game, which is a damn shame because he’s a nice guy no matter which Brandon takes the field. The only way either one of him catches a pass in the playoffs this year is if he gets traded because the Jets are pure dog shit…

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (Vegas says: 10.5 wins, DUD says: 12-4)

Move over, chlamydia. The Steelers are going to be back in charge of Pittsburgh and the AFC North this year…

Cincinnati Bengals (Vegas says: 9.5 wins, DUD says: 9-7)

The major debate surrounding the Bengals this year will be which number will be higher, the team’s win total or the number of players on their roster who get arrested…

Baltimore Ravens (Vegas says: 8.5 wins, DUD says: 8-8)

There’s just no denying it, kids. Joe Flacco is a lot like Lindsay Lohan: A worthless sack of fuck…

Cleveland Browns (Vegas says: 4.5 wins, DUD says: 6-10)

Remember when Hue Jackson coached a pig shit awful Raiders team to an 8-8 record? Well, he’s going to win at least six games as the Browns coach this year, and he should win the Coach of the Year award for it…

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (Vegas says: 9.5 wins, DUD says: 11-5)

This is the year head coach Chuck Pagano shows the world he doesn’t need to get cancer to inspire his team to win an AFC North title…

Jacksonville Jaguars (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 9-7)

Three years ago, I thought I had a better chance at fingering Kate Upton before Jacksonville would finish a season above .500. Unless I run into her at Bill Cosby’s house before November, it looks as though I’ll be wrong about that…

Houston Texans (Vegas says: 8.5 wins, DUD says: 7-9)

The Super Bowl is in Houston, so get ready for Watt, Hopkins and Miller to all end up on the IR…

Tennessee Titans (Vegas says: 5.5 wins, DUD says: 5-11)

I’ll be honest: I was unaware Tennessee still had a professional football team…

AFC West

Oakland Raiders (Vegas says: 8.5 wins, DUD says: 10-6)

Even an AFC West title won’t take away from the fact that Raiders owner Mark Davis is one ugly motherfucker…

Kansas City Chiefs (Vegas says: 9.5 wins, DUD says: 10-6)

If Alex Smith learns to throw the ball further than 5 yards downfield, this team is going to be dangerous. If not, they’ll be the Chiefs…

Denver Broncos (Vegas says: 9-7, DUD says: 8-8)

The Broncos defense is going to win half of their games for them. May God have mercy on their souls in the other half…

San Diego Chargers (Vegas says: 7-9, DUD says: 6-10)

If nobody in San Diego gives a shit about the Chargers then neither do we. Fuck ‘em…

NFC East

New York Giants (Vegas says: 8-8, DUD says: 9-7)

The NFC East is more fucked up than JPP’s right hand. Somebody has to win it, and we’re going with the Giants…

Dallas Cowboys (Vegas says: 8-8, DUD says: 9-7)

Jason Garrett must have some pretty incriminating photos of Jerruh going down on a midget because why he’s still the head coach is anybody’s guess…

Washington Redskins (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 7-9)

This team’s defense is just like Hope Solo’s hump hole: wrecked. You like that!?!?!

Philadelphia Eagles (Vegas says: 7-9, DUD says: 6-10)

Eagles fans should brace themselves for learning the hard way why Carson Wentz played his college ball in North Dakota…

NFC North

Green Bay Packers (Vegas says: 10.5 wins, DUD says: 12-4)

Packers fans can stop beating their wives, as there is no way Green Bay loses the division this year thanks to Teddy Bridgewater’s spot-on Kevin Ware impression…

Minnesota Vikings (Vegas says: 9.5 wins, DUD says: 8-8)

We can think of no better way to open Minnesota’s new stadium than a Sam Bradford pick-six, right Eagles fans?

Chicago Bears (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 7-9)

Now that Adam Gase is titty-fucking Latinas on South Beach, look for Jay Cutler to return to completing a high percentage of his passes to players on the opposing team…

Detroit Lions (Vegas says: 7-9, DUD says: 4-12)

Heroin sales in Detroit this October could reach an all-time high thanks to this team. I mean, Golden Tate is their best option, for Christ’s sake…

NFC South

Carolina Panthers (Vegas says: 10.5 wins, DUD says: 11-5)

Thanks to all of these head shots, we figure Cam Newton has about two or three good years left before he’ll need help spelling his first name…

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 10-6)

Tampa Bay’s new coach has reportedly offered a year’s supply of crab legs to whoever wins the team MVP award. Monster year for Jameis, kids…

New Orleans Saints (Vegas says: 7-9, DUD says: 8-8)

The best quarterback with a birthmark on his face still resides in New Orleans…

Atlanta Falcons (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 6-10)

We were considering picking the Falcons as a dark horse to win the division until we saw that Kyle Shanahan is calling plays for them. And well, he’s nothing short of pure fucking garbage…

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals (Vegas says: 9.5 wins, DUD says: 11-5)

Carson Palmer has so many good receivers on his team that it’s perplexing as to why he insists on throwing balls to guys on the other team…

Seattle Seahawks (Vegas says: 10.5 wins, DUD says: 11-5)

If Russell Wilson looks a little lighter in the huddle this year, it’s probably because he finally ejaculated in the offseason. We’ll have to wait and see how that affects his play on the field…

Los Angeles Rams (Vegas says: 7.5 wins, DUD says: 8-8)

At this point, why would you predict anything other than 7-9 or 8-8 for a Jeff Fisher team? Let’s hope he’s just renting his house in LA…

San Francisco 49ers (Vegas says: 5.5 wins, DUD says: 6-10)

Why has nobody robbed Colin Kaepernick’s house yet? I mean, odds are the cops aren’t going to be in a hurry to get over there and solve the case…

Wait, there’s more: This Is Hopefully The Future Of Onside Kicks

You have got to see this shit:

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