‘The Big Fundamental’ Tim Duncan Retires

2014 NBA Finals - Game Five

by Tommy Gimler

Funny. That’s the same nickname my wife gave me in the bedroom. But hey, I get the job done.

Five NBA titles. Two MVP awards. 19 seasons of postseason basketball. 15 All-Star appearances. 15,091 career rebounds (6th-best of all time). 26,496 career points (14th-best of all time). 3,020 career blocks (5th-best of all time). Let’s be honest: Tim Duncan’s NBA resume is almost as impressive as Kate Upton’s tits.

Well, “The Big Fundamental” decided to call it quits at the age of 40 Monday morning. He spent all 19 of his professional seasons with the San Antonio Spurs, winning 1,072 games in the process. 1,001 of those wins came with Gregg Popovich at the helm, making them the winningest player-coach combo of all time.

Duncan played his first NBA game on Halloween night in 1997. Here’s what was shaking in the rest of the world at that point:

*The number one movie in America was I Know What You Did Last Summer. We can’t be certain, but odds are Jennifer Love Hewitt plowed every male actor on set since they all had their SAG cards…

*The number one song in the country was Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind 1997,” which is further proof that growing up in the 1990s was about as much fun as getting a screwdriver jammed up your peehole…

*The average price for a gallon of gasoline was $1.24. Or in other words, pretty much the same amount Snooki was probably charging for a back-alley handy somewhere in Seaside Heights over the weekend…

*Justin Verlander was a freshman in high school. Kate Upton was five years old…

*Frank Sinatra was still singing and Sonny Bono was still skiing…

*Everybody thought George Michael liked chicks…

*Nobody knew that Bill Clinton was jamming cigars up Monica Lewinsky’s hump hole and then putting them in his mouth while saying, “It tastes good.”

*The Ghostbusters were dudes…

*ESPN reported sports stories…

*There were five total UFC events in 1997. Monday morning, UFC sold for $4 billion…

Wait, there’s more: And Here’s A Kid At The Twins-Rangers Game Using His Sunglasses To Pick His Nose And Eat It

You have got to see this shit:

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