Dikembe Mutombo Proved Once Again Last Night That Everything In The NBA Is More Fixed Than My Wife’s Purse Dog


by Frank Rhombus

There are now three things we know about former NBA center Dikembe Mutombo: He sounds like Grover fucked Doctor Claw, he used to walk into clubs near Georgetown and yell, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?”, and he knew that the 76ers won the NBA Draft Lottery about four hours before everybody else did last night.

Say what you want about the NBA being a competitive sport, but between dog shit referees who are allowed to gamble and draft conspiracies year after year, it’s becoming painfully obvious that the Association is nothing more than a form of entertainment that resembles the WWE more than it does an actual professional sport.

About the 74th exhibit in our claim that the NBA is a farce took place last night about four hours before it was revealed that the Philadelphia 76ers actually won something this decade when they grabbed the top spot in this year’s NBA Draft.

Now according to NBA.com, the “actual Lottery procedure takes place in a separate room just prior to the national broadcast on ESPN. Select media members, NBA officials and representatives of the participating teams and the accounting firm of Ernst & Young are in attendance for the drawing.” So by their own admission, the only people who should know the results of the Lottery before they’re made public would be those few people in that room.

However, Dikembe Mutombo somehow knew that the 76ers won the first pick in this year’s draft damn near four hours before even those behind closed doors supposedly watching the process unfold did, and he made that knowledge public when he sent out this tweet:

tweet mutomboleak

Mutombo deleted the tweet shortly after posting it, but it 2016, sorry, pal. Once you hit send, it’s over. About 40 minutes later, he was already trying to cover his tracks by posting this garbage:

The story Mutombo, the 76ers, and the Association hope you’re dumb enough to buy now is that somebody in the 76ers organization sent him an email with possible things to tweet if Philadelphia was “lucky” enough to win the first pick. Mutombo says he copied and pasted one of them to his Twitter page and immediately hit send for some reason.

“It was like maybe 30 seconds, then I realized, `Whoa! What did I do here?”‘ he said. “But it was too late. It was out in the air.”

We’ll get our intern Rakesh on it, but we’re pretty sure “Out in the Air” was also a basketball movie starring Kevin Bacon. And if it’s anything like what Mutombo and the NBA are feeding us these days, then it must be pure fucking garbage…

Wait, there’s more: Boy, Carlos Gomez Is A Real Bag Of Shit

You have got to see this shit: 

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