Thursday Night Was About As Good As It Gets For A Sports Night

jake arrieta no hitter

by Tommy Gimler

If you’re not a fan of double-overtime winners on the ice, no-hitters, or game-winning shots with time winding down in playoff basketball games, well, then you can just go fuck yourself.

It’s a magical time of year for American sports fans, as both the NHL and NBA postseasons are in full swing, and every MLB fan base feels like this year could be the year for their beloved team. Well, unless you’re in Atlanta.

And last night, things got beyond magical, as we were treated to one of those extraordinary series of events that only comes around once every four or five years, kind of like that one time in college when a drunk girl brought you back to her dorm room and while you were taking her to pound town, her even drunker roommate climbed down from the top bunk and jammed her finger in your ass.

At 7:11 p.m. EST, Brandon Finnegan threw the first pitch at Great American Ball Park as the Cincinnati Reds hosted the Chicago Cubs. The last time Finnegan faced the Cubs, he threw more than six innings of no-hit ball, and the Reds still lost the game. This time around, he and the rest of the Cincinnati pitching staff got hit harder than a girl who looks through Chris Brown’s cellphone, as the Cubs lit them up for 16 runs.

Well, it turned out that only one of those runs would be necessary, as Chicago’s Jake Arrieta was in a fucking zone, like that rare instance when you have just the right amount of whore bait on as you roll through your local watering hole and no matter what comes out of your piehole, every skank at the bar eats it up. Arrieta was masterful, holding the Reds hitless for 8 2/3 innings. All that stood between him and his second no-no was Eugenio Suarez, who you might best recognize from the phrase “Who the fuck is Eugenio Suarez?”:

Roughly two hours after Arrieta finished making the Reds his bitch, Houston’s James Harden and his terrorist beard were trailing the greatest regular season team in NBA history by one point after Golden State’s Shaun Livingston stole the ball and it somehow got poked ahead to a wide open Ian Clark for the easy deuce with just 10.6 seconds left to play.

With no timeouts left for the Rockets, Harden quickly brought the ball down the floor, had no intentions of passing it because his name is James Harden, and stepped back for about a 14-foot jumper for the game:

And roughly two hours after that shot pretty much locked up our “Warriors in 5 at +140″ bet, the Blues and Blackhawks were still duking it out in Game 5 of their first-round series. Down 3-1, to say that Chicago needed this one would have been a bigger understatement than calling Melissa McCarthy pudgy.

Three regulation periods weren’t enough to decide this one, so the boys headed to overtime, and anybody who knows hockey will tell you that the only thing better than playoff hockey is overtime playoff hockey. Well, it turned out one overtime period wasn’t enough either, so the two teams headed to double OT. And that’s when Chicago’s Patrick Kane made everybody briefly forget about those offseason rape allegations and cabbie assaults:

And roughly 12 minutes after that, my wife had sex with me. Hell of a night, guys…

Wait, there’s more: Star Canadian High School Basketball Player Turns Out To Be 30-Year-Old African Man

You have got to see this shit:

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2 Responses to Thursday Night Was About As Good As It Gets For A Sports Night

  1. The Real Tommy G says:

    This article may be complete bullshit as I know you are lying. Clearly your wife didn’t sleep with you last night.

    • tgim says:

      Ah, but that is where you are wrong, my friend. We’re trying to have a kid. And it was exactly 12 minutes after Kane hit that winner!

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