Trevor Story Hits 7th Home Run, Can Plow My Sister


by Tommy Gimler

The list of the top ten guys who have permission to run a train on my sister is usually loaded with athletes who have not committed a rape and have been making bitches out of their peers for a number of years now.

So that’s why you’ll usually find the list populated with names like Trout, Kershaw, Rodgers, Curry, Beckham Jr., and of course Tim “The Big Fundamental” Duncan.

Well, now it’s time to add the name Trevor Story, a guy who before Monday afternoon was probably most recognized from the phrase, “Who the fuck is Trevor Story?” And the Colorado Rockies shortstop is debuting at #7 on the list because he launched his seventh career home run in yesterday’s 6-3 victory at Coors Field over the pig shit awful San Diego Padres.

Now on the surface, seven career bombs might seem about as impressive as my wife’s dog cleaning out his asshole for an hour, but you have to keep this in mind: He’s only played in six fucking games, brah.

Earlier in the week, Story became the first player in Major League history to homer in his first four games, and after taking Brandon Maurer deep in the eighth inning yesterday, he set the record for most home runs in a team’s first six games of the season.

“Story time!” Gotta fucking love that.

So congratualtions, Trevor Story, as you now have permission to hammer away on my sister. I just don’t want to be around for “story time” afterward.

And if you’re keeping score at home, the list of the guys who can plow my sister now looks like this:

1. Mike Trout (trending down, though)

2. Clayton Kershaw

3. Steph Curry

4. Aaron Rodgers

5. Odell Beckham Jr.

6. Tim “The Big Fundamental” Duncan

7. Trevor Story

8. Joe Thomas

9. Max Scherzer

10. Paul Jesperson

Wait, there’s more: Take A Fucking Hint, Pablo Sandoval

You have got to see this shit:

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