Here Is Exactly How The AL West Will Finish in 2016

josh hamilton

by Rakesh the Intern

Listen, bro. It looks like in this division we have four teams who could make a run for AL West title and then the Angels.

It’s that time of year again, bro, when you turn on TV and hear something other than athlete committing rape. Now we hear cracks of bats and Mariners fans saying that team will not take high expectations and wipe their asses with them like they did last year. Fans in Texas are saying they hope to catch ball from Josh Hamilton and not die in process, bro. And fans in Houston are saying something, but I don’t understand Spanish, bro.

Here is what I am thinking will happen in AL West in 2016, my friend:

1. Texas Rangers


Check it out, bro. I’ll take best pitching staff and best hitters in division to win the division any day of week, my friend. I mean, this is almost as simple as Cousin Harish, and he was born with three-quarter brain. This Yu Darvish won’t be back until mid-May, but that should give him plenty of time to gamble on sports with his brother, bro. And this Josh Hamilton won’t be back til mid-May either, but that should give him plenty of time to do lines of nose candy off bench.

I am not too concerned about this Prince Fielder not being able to sleep, bro. By the look of things, this guy has still found plenty of time to eat, and that is most important part, bro. Load and lock up on this one, bro…

2015 record: 88-74 (1st)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 90-72 (1st)

Bovada: 84.5 wins (2nd)

Atlantis: 86-76 (1st)

Fangraphs: 80-82 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 91-71 (1st)

2. Houston Astros


I’ll tell you something, bro. This Houston Astros team strikes out more times than Cousin Gokul chasing the poon. Dude was born with baby left arm, and not even sluts back in Howrah want to have that mangled thing near them. Sad shit, bro. But make no mistake about it, bro. This team will still compete for division and place in postseason. You have to think that they are just one pitcher and a first baseman away from being complete team.

I mean, who in fuck do they expect to scare with this Tyler White at first base right now, bro? Nobody, that’s who. Good team, but they definitely need better first baseman than the shit from pig Tyler White, bro…

2015 record: 86-76 (2nd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 88-74 (2nd)

Bovada: 87.5 wins (1st)

Atlantis: 85.5 wins (2nd)

Fangraphs: 87-75 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 90-72 (2nd)

3. Seattle Mariners


This Seattle Mariners team is telling their fans, “Hey, look at us, bro. We bring in talent in the offseason, so we should be good, bro.” Sound familiar, my friend? That’s because that is same shit they told us last year. Rakesh fell for it big time last year, but I will not make same mistake again. Funniest part about their team is that there is player named Charlie Furbush, and that was same name my classmates at Toledo gave me after the first time they saw me in the shower. Funny shit, bro.

Seriously, bro. I think this is year that Felix Hernandez’s right arm falls off…

2015 record: 76-86 (4th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 85-77 (3rd)

Bovada: 82.5 wins (3rd)

Atlantis: 83-79 (3rd)

Fangraphs: 82-80 (t-2nd)

Bleacher Report: 83-79 (3rd)

4. Oakland Athletics


Listen, bro. This A’s team remind me a lot of my hometown of Howrah because stadium always floods with sewage, bro. I like what this Brad Pitt has been able to do with this Oakland team over the years, my friend. But this starting rotation of Gray, Hill, Bassitt, Graveman, and Doubront remind me a lot of Aunt Dilmini, and she’s dead, bro. This offense could surprise a lot of people, though. This Billy Burns is faster than Cousin Raghav, and he was voted fastest rickshaw captain of Howrah for three years in row, bro…

2015 record: 68-94 (5th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 79-83 (4th)

Bovada: 75.5 wins (5th)

Atlantis: 75.5 wins (5th)

Fangraphs: 80-82 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 80-82 (4th)

5. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

angels fan

I’m telling you, bro. This poor Mike Trout must be so upset that he is on team that is pure goat shit. This Jered Weaver is throwing 78 MPH fastballs, for Christ sake, bro. I do believe Cousin Gokul can hit that radar gun, and he was born with that baby left arm. When it is all said and done, the only chance Angels have at competing in this division is if Trout can hit 100 home run and steal a thousand bases. But I’ll tell you something, bro. He’s good enough to do it, I think…

2015 record: 85-77 (3rd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 74-88 (5th)

Bovada: 81.5 wins (4th)

Atlantis: 82.5 wins (4th)

Fangraphs: 82-80 (t-2nd)

Bleacher Report: 73-89 (5th)

Wait, there’s more, bro: 2016 AL Central Preview, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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