Give Any Upton Brother Millions Of Dollars And They’ll Give You A Dick Sandwich

justin upton strikeouts

by Tommy Gimler

The 2016 MLB season might be younger than the kid who makes my boxer briefs, but it looks as though another Upton brother is showing the world he is nothing more than an overpaid pile of dog shit.

When the Atlanta Braves signed Melvin (B.J.) Upton to a five-year, $75 million deal in 2012, they were hoping they had just dished out the largest contract in team history for a guy who was going to hit 25-plus homers and steal 30-plus bases.

Well, it turned out they forked over $75 million for a worthless sack of fuck, as Upton would compile a stat line in Atlanta that you would expect from a player born without a left arm: .198 batting average, 21 home runs, 61 RBI and 32 stolen bases. Even worse? You guessed it: Those were his totals for two seasons in a Braves uniform. He would also strike out 324 times and reach base less than 28 percent of the time he stepped up to the plate.

Thankfully for Braves fans, the front office found a sucker in 2015 to take on the $46.3 million that remained on his contract by including the services of one of the top closers in the game in Craig Kimbrel in a deal with San Diego. Hell, they were even able to get something in return for him. And hell, Upton immediately did Padres fans a favor by getting hurt, and to date, he has only played in 108 games for them.

Last year with the Padres, Melvin got the chance to play alongside his brother Justin albeit for just 87 games. But that is not the case this year, as the Detroit Tigers inked Justin to a six-year, $132.75 million deal despite the fact that his .251 batting average in 2015 was his lowest since 2008, his miss percentage of 31.8 was his highest since 2008, and his .336 OBP was his lowest since 2007.

Still, the Tigers decided to show him the money, and so far, they’re really taking it up the poop chute. Through 20 games, Upton is hitting a pig shit awful .198, and his 36 strikeouts are the most amongst any player in the big leagues. At this rate, the dude’s going to strike out 284 times, a feat that would make Adam Dunn look like Ty Cobb. After hitting 26 home runs, driving in 81 runs and stealing 19 bases a year ago, Upton has managed to hit only one bomb so far this year to go along with just fI’ve RBI and zero stolen bases.

What does it all mean? You guessed it: If you’re in the front office and come across an Upton, run away as fast as you can and make goddamn sure you don’t give them any money. Well, unless that Upton’s first name is Kate, of course…

Wait, there’s more: One Guy Was More Excited About Robinson Cano’s Grand Slam Than Everybody Else

You have got to see this shit:

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