2016 AL Central Preview, Bro

laroche and son

by Rakesh the Intern

Good thing they don’t let Cousin Deepak bring kids to work, bro. Dude has something like 8 or 9 kids, and he’s only something like 27, my friend. Potent, bro.

It’s that time of year again, my friend, when you turn on TV and hear something other than athlete committing rape. Now we hear cracks of bats and White Sox players saying they are sick of Adam LaRoche’s kid taking peeks at their peckers in shower, bro. We hear Indians fans saying team should be good this year, but they sure as shit aren’t saying it at stadium. Nobody goes to games in Cleveland, bro. And of course you have people of Detroit getting excited about something other than food stamps arriving in mail.

The AL Central should be tighter than Uncle Kartik’s wife, and she turns 12 this year, bro. Here is what I am thinking will happen, my friend:

1. Cleveland Indians

indians fan sexy

Check it out, bro. With guys like this Mike Napoli, Jason Kipnis, and Juan Uribe inked in as starters this year, the Indians infield has honor of being the fattest in the game. And I’m talking Uncle Rishabh fat. Dude is like 400-pounder now, bro. But Napoli, Uribe, this Marlon Byrd, and Rajai Davis can all do something that most Cleveland hitters could not do last year: Hit right-handed, bro. I’m telling you, bro, last year’s lineup was like thousand percent left-handed hitters, and they were pure shit from pig because of it.

And where do I begin with this pitching staff, my friend? These starters give Rakesh bigger boner than two Russian girlies rubbing their vagina against each other for ten bucks, bro. And this bullpen was like second-best in American League last year, my friend. But everybody was quieter than Cousin Shyam about it, and that dude was born without tongue. Sad shit, bro.

Yeah, this pitching will put team in playoffs. You can take Rakesh to bank, bro…

2015 record: 81-80 (3rd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 89-73 (1st)

Bovada: 84.5 wins (2nd)

Atlantis: 84-78 (3rd)

Fangraphs: 86-76 (1st)

Bleacher Report: 82-80 (3rd)

2. Kansas City Royals

ned yost sucks

Apparently, shit from pig manager can still win World Series in this country, and that is probably why all of people love America, bro. Like tonight, bro. This fucking Yost guy brings in this Joakim Soria, and he obviously doesn’t have it, bro. Well, it is obvious to everybody except this Ned Yost. So, this sick fuck leaves him in to give up three runs and make it one-run ball game before finally pulling him for somebody who is not dick sucker.

Still, this Ned Yost’s players just seem to shrug off one bad decision after another, and I can’t help but think these Royals will be in the mix again when we are watching September games. I expect them to take small step back, but not as far back as those stupid dorks at Fangraphs. Do you see that shit, bro? They think Royals will tie for last in division. That is crazier than Uncle Soham, and that dude once ripped penis off live goat and fed it to his kids. Sick shit, bro…

2015 record: 95-67 (1st)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 85-77 (2nd)

Bovada: 85.5 wins (1st)

Atlantis: 87-75 (1st)

Fangraphs: 78-84 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 92-70 (1st)

3. Minnesota Twins

minnesota twins tits

Look, bro. This Twins team is younger than girl this R. Kelly fellow like to pee on, but I still like their chances in division this year. Right now, you have these crazy American writers saying that last year was bigger fluke than one time when Cousin Gokul got the poon. Dude was born with baby left arm. Sad shit, bro.

But this Paul Molitor will use it for material on bulletin board, and I think team will rise to occasion like my cock when I watch this Lisa Ann say, “Throw it in my ass, black guy.” Don’t forget, bro. Unless this Ervin Santana takes illegal drugs again, they will get him for full season. Could be huge, bro…

2015 record: 83-79 (2nd)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 82-80 (3rd)

Bovada: 78.5 wins (5th)

Atlantis: 77.5 wins (5th)

Fangraphs: 78-84 (t-4th)

Bleacher Report: 77-85 (4th)

4. Detroit Tigers

detroit homeless

I’m telling you, bro. Just when you thought this Detroit Tigers bullpen could not get any worse than it has been the last few years, they find way to make it even more pig shit awful by adding fucking loser like Francisco Rodriguez. If you thought majority of people who live in Detroit have to clean up mess outside of their cardboard box of a house every morning, wait until they watch this Rodriguez fellow walk the bases loaded and then have to work around that shit.

I do like this Tigers offense though, my friend. If they can find way to put up eight runs per game, then they could be contender, bro. And I do like this Justin Verlander as well. Not for the way he pitches but for fact that he gets to go home and pound on this Kate Upton’s poon every night. Lucky guy right there, bro…

2015 record: 74-87 (5th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 80-82 (4th)

Bovada: 81.5 wins (3rd)

Atlantis: 85-77 (2nd)

Fangraphs: 80-82 (3rd)

Bleacher Report: 87-75 (2nd)

5. Chicago White Sox

white sox woman

Check it out, bro. When biggest story out of your spring training is that shit from pig designated hitter gives up $13 million (862,835,350 Rupee) because son can no longer take showers with rest of team, well, then you have more problems than Uncle Kunal, and we once caught that guy fucking a goat at family reunion. Sick shit, bro…

2015 record: 76-86 (4th)

2016 projections

Daily Upper Decker: 78-84 (5th)

Bovada: 80.5 wins (4th)

Atlantis: 80.5 wins (4th)

Fangraphs: 81-81 (2nd)

Bleacher Report: 73-89 (5th)

Wait, there’s more, bro: 2016 AL East Preview, Bro

You have got to see this shit, bro:

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